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I lost all control

My name is isabel I'm 17 years old and about to start college in the fall when I was 13 I overdosed on my mothers depression pills because I felt alone and ignored but didn't know how too voice it so I guess that was my "cry for help" I ended up confessing to my mom what id done the next morning she took me too the hospital and they made me go too a inpatient hospital for kids who had tried too harm themselves or commit suicide I stayed there for about three weeks that's when I developed my eating disorder I started to become very aware of my body and even though I was a healthy weight for my height I started to become insecure and see a lot of problem areas I stopped eating and lost about x pounds in the three weeks I was there so I was down too x and x I just remember looking in the hospitals bathroom mirror while I was taking a shower and seeing my hip bones popping out it just gave me a high and I was happy but I wanted more .. Obviously the staff there noticed that I was refusing to eat so I was sent too Shepard prat a inpatient treatment specifically for eating disorders there I was forced too eat if I refused too eat the meal In the time given I was then expected too drink two supplements if I refused to drink those I would then have to sit at the dinning room table till the next meal if I were to keep refusing I would have to sit there all day until it was time for bed so I ate .. A shit load .. They made me gain all my weight back plus and additional ten pounds I must admit it was a relief too be eating the food tasted good but it was the feeling after I ate the guilt the shame ... I stayed there for about a month till my insurance ran out and I had to go home to everyone around me I was recovered because I had gained back all my weight but my eating disorder was still full blown in my mind when I got home my parents sent me too live with my aunt and uncle in Seattle I was doing okay I would occasionally restrict or not eat for a day but I was getting better I did lose some weight but still the weight I was maintaining was healthy so everyone was pleased until I had gotten into a fight with my dad on the phone the kind of fight that just leaves you feeling numb and empty I went to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night feeling HUNGRY it was horrible I never felt that feeling before in my life like all the food in the world could not fill me up I crept down stairs and then for the first time ever I binged I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate until I literally felt like I was going too die I ran upstairs turned the shower on stuck my finger down my throat and purged over and over and over again until there was nothing left too throw up it was a cleansing feeling I remember that was the first and last time I binged but I still purge on occasion maybe like twice a month I would just eat a normal amount of food but id purge it that went on for two years but by fifteen I was recovered or so I thought I was no longer purging I would restrict but not excessively I was fine until about three months ago when I got on the depo provera shot and gained some weight I lost that weight by purging up my meals and now I can't seem too stop I'm not even binging I'm just eating normal amounts of food but I just I'm addicted too purgin I like it and I know that is freaking disgusting but I can't stop the only way I won't purge is if it's a salad or something green or fruit I'm constantly exercising now and I just feel so trapped no one knows I'm doing this I hide it very well I guess. I don't want anyone too find out because I don't want anyone too think less of me I'm a prisoner to my own body I don't understand Im pretty blessed and have good things in my life I'm not a superficial shallow person so why am I so focused on achieving the perfect body ? Idk ugh I just don't think I'll ever fully stop

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program