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i lied myself that i will quit

by Sanyta

I actually wrote my story a few months ago,but then I was convinced that I will stop..but,it just got worst.
Every day I'm trying to eat less and healthier food,but after 21:00 o'clock i'm losing control and binge on whatever I'll find. Then I go into the toilet and vomit everything I binge.
One day I start bleeding because i pierced my toothbrush deep in my throat. I panicked and that was the day when I start keeping food diary and promising myself that I will stop doing that.
After 3 or 4 days and tonnes of diets which I was planing to try, I failed again, binged again, and vomitted again.
I was so devastated. I hated myself so much, I got to the point of cutting my wrist.
I told a friend. I needed help right away. She agreed to help me and she was checking me every day, asking about my meals(how much and what I ate during the day).
I really felt relief those days,but unfortunately,they didn't last.
I convince her that I stopped,and that I'm over that,so she was happy about it. But I never stopped. And I guess I never will. I lost control over that so now it took control over me. I feel like a puppet played by it .
I have never visit any therapist,cause I'm scared to face it. I also don't want to confess to myself that I have big problem .
I don't know how long it'll last, because trust me, five years are way too much for a person with E.D. Its killing me slowly,and once again I'll make a promise and I'll try hold to it.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program