I know it's time... Eugene's Bulimia Story
(somewhere in the world=P)
I've been sitting here looking all over your site for an hour and 15 mins now =P and first I really want to thank you for sharing a part of your life which was embarrassing and the hardest yet to come. And through this I see that your reaching hands to the ones in trouble like me...
I'm 16 and I'm on break now till august. I live in a boarding school and I'm going to share how awful I'm feeling...
But thank God i've told my parents recently (about my bulimia)... (and yes it was damn hard and scary...=P) But the problem is... I still deceive my beloved parents and others around me... everyday... I've been bulimic for 3 or 4 years now... I haven't seen blood or had sores on my hands and mouth. I think it's because it was hard only in the beginning, and when I got used to it... I'd binge and head to the loo and automatically it would come out. and I didn't get to any laxative abuse.
That is my general statement as where I'm at...
It all started in 7th grade. like you Shaye, I was suddenly and reluctantly moved to another environment. Well... it was because of my mom we had to move to Korea again because of her cancer problems (she's recovered =P) but anyways, one day after finally settling in I overheard from my classmates about a celebrity who committed suicide last night. I asked them "how?" they simply answered "she was a bulimic". It was funny because I didn't know a thing about eating disorders. So I learnt more about it and few weeks later at night I was snacking on noodles and curiosity triggered a bad choice which led me till here (bulimia). I was surprised when you wrote it was easy enough to do it even in public. So yea, it was no big deal at first... Once or twice a week out of curiosity. Then bulimia appeared everyday. I always had high or middle level self-esteem but as I stepped into the world where everything was depended on appearance I started it... Not caring what would be the result... I was 164cm (5'4"about) and 57kg's when I started and dropped to 50kg's or so. I was happy except for my face swelling up and the heaviness on my face... My mom told me that she only thought I was binging because I was at the stage of "growing" and it was normal for kids my age. And yes I was and still am (sadly) skilled and getting trails off my parent's eyes.
The first embarrassing story that comes to mind is when we went to a buffet restaurant and I did my best to not overfill my self with food but I did it again. I went to the bathroom to puke but like I always do I first checked to see if it flushed, and shoot! it didn't so I had to use the sink... But one problem, it was open and people could pass by. But I really couldn't take it anymore and started puking, and again it was... BLOCKED! I was so nerve-wrecked I stated panicking... Haha if you were there watching me... lol! I did everything I could and it was half blocked now. I gave up and started to make up a plan...
plan a) Act to the cleaner as if it was there the first time
plan b) Act like I was sick and I just had to do it
plan c) Just ditch =P
I felt really guilty but I picked plan b and went back to the buffet...
This ugly pattern continued until I was back the place I used to be (the previous country) and I was sent to a boarding school which I used to attend, and here was the climax... since it was a boarding with only 56 students (it's really small 38 boys,18 girls) and lots of toilets I had access to a lot of food. You know... being bulimic makes you into a totally different person to who you truly are... I'd deceive, lie and make up situations positive for my bulimic activities.
I'm back up to 52~53kg and still am NOT satisfied... over this break I'm planning to exercise with my dad and maybe lose 5~7kg... I know... I'm still being an idiot but yea that's the hardest thing about bulimia... If you don't accept as you are... it's hard. And the saddest thing was calling my mom during boarding school, I'd always say "I'm fine, I think I'm really getting over this sickness mom..." and encourage her not to worry... These days I'm getting 3 careful times to puke what I ate... please...
p.s Could I get your personal email address?
With fulfilled hope Eugene.
A message from Shaye
Thanks you so much for having the courage to share your story! I know how hard it is to talk about bulimia
... It took me 3 years to finally sit down and start on this website!
Your story really struck me because you said it was just after you immigrated that your bulimia began
... This proves how traumatic immigration is - as the same thing happened with me... However, your situation must have been even harder as you went there for your mothers cancer treatment... I'm so happy that she recovered! You bulimia story made me cringe
... that must have been awful for you! I remember once somebody caught me throwing up and I told them I had eaten something rotten and it was making me sick... It was a horrible and embarrassing experience!
Eugene - I know you're wanting to protect you mom by not telling her about how bad you bulimia really is
... But, I think you must tell her. She sounds like she is loving and caring and will help you if you ask. You mustn't be scared of hurting her - it will hurt her a lot more if 10 years down the track she finds out you have been suffering all this time!Would it be possible for you to see a therapist/counsellor?
Going to see mine helped speed up my recovery... In fact I'm not sure I could have recovered from bulimia alone.Don't focus on trying to lose weight over this break... focus on getting help for your bulimia
.. Then once you have recovered, if you still want to lose weight - you can focus on doing it by eating a healthy diet and exercising.
Trust me... You don't want to waste your teenage years as a bulimic... It's exhausting, lonely, sad and dangerous.
Life is wonderful when your not thinking about food and throwing up the whole time!
If you want to get in touch my personal email... Just contact me on the contact us page... and we can get in touch :)
Take care of yourself and remember... There is more to life than the numbers on the scale!
All the love.