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i just wanna be free

by martinez
(san antonio tx)

Hello I am 23 years old I have two kids and am married I am a bulimic to the extreme my body always hurts from headaches my head pounding my heart hurts sometimes I just massage my chest my mouth teeth hurt when I eat cold foods I can't even enjoy an ice cream with my kids cause it hurts I am always depressed I tell my husband I don't know what's wrong with me but I do know I'm in pain we basically don't have a sex life cause I always make excuses like oh I need to take pills for my headache maybe tomorrow I can tell he isn't happy anymore but I'm so lost in my purging I don't consider him my priority I have been bulimic since I was 14 years old only stoping when pregnant it is very hard to eat with my family not knowing if I can go to the bathroom quick enough I have never told anyone at all about this never never don't want want anyone to find out they will think I'm gross somedays I do believe I have thrown up more than X times I get so stressed out when I haven't done it I feel I'm going crazy without any help I know its dangerous so I wanna stop I want a better life I know my kids need me for so many more years I just don't know how to stop and I haven't been losing wieght for two years now cause I can't go to the bathroom right after meals I'm scared my husband will suspect anything so I eat right before I know he is leaving the house but I still have times when I try to stop so I eat a meal and don't go purge and I am in the worst mood ever going crazy I just wanna be normal again and happy wwish I had a friend to talk to about this but I have no one this disease has changed my life and taken part of it and I want it back

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program