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I just felt sad.. and I hope I'm recovered

by Melinda
(Norway)

I have been bulimic for almost 9 years. I never new what bulimia or anorexia means. It just started when I was 20 and traveled abroad for work (for 7 months). I was feeling very sad and lonely, my only comfort was food - somehow it made me ease the loneliness I was feeling, although just for a very short time. I hated myself for eating and slowly gaining weight. I had beautiful sister who was a model and beautiful girlfriends who I think were prettier than me, so when I started to gain some weight (from Xkg to Xkg), I felt even more upset.
I remember one day I was feeling again and eating ice cream, after just few minutes I realized I ate too much. I was thinking "if I could just turn back time, I wouldn't do it again". And then I remembered when people threw up food when they were sick, so I was thinking - I can try that. I also had some memories of my grandmother throwing up (Im not sure if she was bulimic or... never thought about it).. so I went to bathroom and threw up (in the bathtub). And it was so easy - because it was just ice cream. So from that moment I thought - this is a great way to lose weight and eat anything I want.
So whenever I felt depressed, sad or lonely, I ate as much as I wanted and needed (to calm my mind) and then went to bathroom or shower. I was really embarrassed about what I did, I didnt want anyone to find out but in the meantime I thought - there is nothing wrong with me, its normal, I can stop myself any time I want.
After 7 months I returned home (earlier than I was supposed to, just because I was too homesick) and later on applied for another job far away from home again. While back home, I was really happy, I was in love and I was no more binging or purging.. I guess I was more like anorexic (not sure) as I was eating only certain salads, healthy food, never used oil, fat dressings and was stepping on scales few times a day. I lost some weight and ended up with Xkg the lowest. My parents were telling me to eat normal, telling me Im too skinny but I was very happy about my body and I didnt listen.
Then I went abroad again (this time for 1 year, at least I thought so) and it all started all over again. I was feeling so lonely, I was crying every single night. To feel better in these moments - I was eating. I was eating anything I could find I ate a full large jar or yogurt, then full box of cereal bars, cookies, mashed potatoes.. basically anything I had at home.. and then followed my binge. Every single time I swore it is the last time I'm doing this, I felt miserable, I was hating myself, I felt disgusting..
Almost every day I was going out of home, buying a box (or two) of cereal bars, danishes, etc, then sitting outside of the store, crying and eating, and then looking for some public bathroom.
There were times when I was not alone at home, when I couldn't eat everything I wanted (I was scared to do it at home when someone could hear it, see my red face and red eyes) so I became very irritated, very stressed and angry. And when noone was around, I could get all my food in my room and eat - it just felt really relaxing and comforting. I was not fat, I didn't feel that I need to loose weight, but it was just helping me emotionally. I was still very homesick but my parents did not feel that I need to come home, so I was getting more upset.
There were times when I was happy again, I was in love and I stopped binging/purging for a month or two.. but then again it all came back.
It continued for about 8 years (I never returned back home for good) until I realized I am so angry at myself, I hate myself for doing this. After each binge (now I was doing it both to keep my weight, X kg) and to calm myself when upset or mad) I was just crying and hating myself. Last year I went on few month medication that, of course, required medicine to stay in my system so I thought - I am not allowed to binge anymore. It was really hard at the beginning, there were times when I still binged and cried but slowly I learned that binging is bad for my health, teeth, skin and heart, plus it's very expensive too! It's basically - buy food & throw it away, all over again. So stupid.
Now I try to eat healthy, I stay away from heavy and oily dishes, but I try to balance my meals and know that there is no binging after - so don't overeat.
I have been bulimia free for about 6 months now and I am very glad about it. However, I have been very emotional, depressed and very angry at times. There are still times when I feel very sad and lonely, so I feel like eating again, however I control myself, I don't do it, but as a result I get very irritated, so angry.. I can yell at my boyfriend (I know he does not deserve it, he doesn't even know about my bulimia, no one knows!), be angry without a reason, and sometimes it really scares me. I wonder if it's related to bulimia I had? I wonder if, when depressed, my mind was used to getting comfort (with food) too much? And now when I don't do it anymore - it goes into anger!? I do not understand myself and sometimes I feel like noone else would understand me either.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program