I havent kept down a Christmas dinner in 5years.
And for some reason that there^ disappoints me.
I refused to eat one of them (I was quite the restricter back then). I ate another, along with god knows what, and threw up into my back yard & (cant believe im going to admit this!) allowed my dog to eat it so no one would find it! :'(
And the worst Christmas dinner experience for me?
I threw everything up into my Nan's toilet (Very old house) and the sodding thing blocked up! :-0 I had to dash down stairs, grab a plastic bag and fish everything out of the toilet with my hands into the bag before anyone caught me .. Not to mention get it into the trash, the bag leaked leaving a trail behind me..
All those memories are quite bold to me and yet each and every time i managed to sit with my family, laughing & joking, and none of them would have a clue what i'd just done.
Thats the 'beauty' of bulimia.
It enables yo to use food as an emotional crutch without the OBVIOUS side effects. Im talking weight loss here. I look fine on the outside now (once the restricting eased off of course) .. I'm a 'healthy' weight. I'm able to hide it. People don't see me and worry.
They don't realise im actually dieing.
I can feel it.
With every purge i'm getting weaker.
I can go to the bathroom , do my business, choke, cry, panic with every odd heart beat, clean myself up & walk straight back into a room full of people being a bubbly talkative girl who everyone loves. But i'm hating myself!
Not because of my body anymore but because i just cant seam to let it go! I know what im doing and yet i don't stop.
This has consumed my life everyday for the past 5 years.
I want out but then this voice tells me something & I panic and can't bare the thought of being 'fat' again.
I think its easier to accept the bulimia if I believe its about weight and my body size.
It's harder to accept when i realise its there as the emotional crutch, that in actual fact i'm scared of loosing it because what do i replace it with?
Im obsessed. What else could I possibly be obsessed with instead?
That all sounds negative.
But if i hadn't have thought all those things before and i was still living in my 'i haven't got a problem' denial stage then i wouldn't of already taken the steps towards recovery. :D
I'm on a program with other suffers.
I'm gonna get there.
I'm modest in that fact.
I'm 21 years old now. Not a child. I need to move forward. This has held me back for too long.
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