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I have no control

by JBrown

I have been bulimic for about 5 years now, started when I was 22. I've always had issues with food and my body, but the first time I threw up was just plainly because I had ate way too much dinner that it physically hurt, and I wanted to relieve the pressure. After I realized how easy it was, I would do it every now and then, but only when I ate too much. I never binged. It was just if I was too full. The binging started after I had my daughter. I hate to admit this but I was purging when I was pregnant. Not binging yet, just throwing up after a big meal. It wasn't often, and I did feel incredibly guilty about it, but I had read somewhere that the baby is taking all the nutrition it needs from me, and so the only one suffering is me. Anyways she was born healthy 8 lbs 10 oz, so I didn't worry about it after.
when I was on maternity leave is when I started binging and purging. It has been so up and down since then. There were really bad days where I would eat a plate or two of Chinese food, throw it up, eat another plate, throw it up and do that again about 3 more times. I coulnt stop. Then I finally found a diet that I like, and that I don't feel bad about keeping down, and when I stick to it, I feel great and lose weight, and I'm good for about a week or so, then I have a bad night. Then I'm good again for a bit, then have a bad night, or two in a row. Sweets and chocolate is what I usually binge/purge. I feel like I have absolutely no control when I am doing it. I ate all my daughter's easter candy, bought her a new batch, and ate it all again tonight. And the whole time I was thinking to myself that I need to do it. Not that I want to, that I need to. I don't know how I got here. I have not told anyone about this, but I do have someone in mind that I've been wanting to tell for a while now. Just looking for the right time. I had tried a help center near me, but when I booked an appointment, it was 3 weeks later, and by then I had been good for a bit, I felt like I didn't need help, so I no showed. Now I fee like I cant call them back, because I wasted their appointment.
The weird thing is, that sometimes I feel like I have got this, but then I have nights like tonight where I feel so low, and feel like its worse than ever. And the stupid thing is that I almost don't want to get help, because I'm afraid that they will put me on an anti depressant and it will make me gain weight. I am so very afraid of gaining weight. I just need help to stop the setbacks, because overall, my diet is healthy, I eat well and often, and I am at my ideal weight. How do I stop the binging an purging every week or so?

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