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I have never told anyone - Hippygirls bulimia story...

by hippygirl

I went to India in January 2009 and lost a lot of weight from illness. When I got back, I received so many compliments that it went to my head. I started to go swimming every morning without eating anything beforehand. I'd then have a tiny bowl of branflakes for lunch then a 70 cal cereal bar for an afternoon snack. I had no choice but to eat whatever dinner my Mum would prepare. I ended up losing drastic amounts of weight very quickly...

But, I have always loved my food and my fantasising about certain things got the better of me. One day I binged like hell and you guessed it... then purged. I convinced myself this was a one off. Something that will NEVER happen to me again...

Why does it have to be so addictive? There were about 5 months when I managed to eat truck loads of food and purge and stay anorexic looking. But when I started Uni, the pounds absolutely piled on and I am now the weight that I was before I went to India. My first year in halls was completely ruled by my eating habits. I'd eat about £40 worth of food. So desperate when the shops would close early on a Sunday that I'd walk to the library in the snow to use the vending machine. The toilet I had to share with others was always dirty from my vomit... It's so embarrassing. I couldn't concentrate on my work or sleep properly. It also ruined my relationship with my Mum, who I've started to blame for a lot of my issues.

This year I managed to regain control. I am doing well with my work. I started to do pilates and go swimming which somehow stopped me from binging. I ate what I wanted when I wanted in first term of second year. When I came home for Christmas my Mum pointed out that I'd put on weight. This prompted me to restrict like mad and take diet pills and predictably this has brought me back to stage 1. I am giving up restricting for good because I realise that this disease will kill me unless I do. Yeah I want to be skinny more than anything but I do also want to stop being such a raving lunatic and get on with my bloody life! My Mum found a receipt of mine the other day and now knows about my bulimia. I don't feel comfortable talking to the woman who eats her dinner off a saucer about it though. She's unbearably thin and often talks about other people's bodies and weights. I can't stand being home. I was doing so well away from here...

Anyway... today is my 3rd binge free day. Going to keep it up.

Anyone else feel like when they first started being bulimic it was an uncontrollable trance you'd enter where nothing could stop you from eating... you'd steal people's food, eat of bins... anything?! Now when I binge, it's like I plan them. Even the night before I think of the things I'm going to buy and stuff. Surely this is just greed? I could stop this as it's not impulsive but calculated?!

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