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I have an amazing friend who wants to and has helped with my bulimia... But, I feel guilty

by Hayley
(united kingdom)

Dear Shaye,

I have been searching on the internet for ages with regards to bulimia and have yet to find a site which has truly had an affect... I was lucky enough to come across yours tonight! Wow, it's brilliant! I haven't felt so connected with people for so long! You've shown me that you can achieve it - even if u have had it for years! Def a kick that I need as I've hit an all time low.

Basically it will be 6 years I've suffered from bulimia this year and have been trying and relapsing for as long as I can remember, I live on my own due to family problems and abuse and have had a change of career and wish to go into nursing...

It is my manager who has now left but is still within the same work area who I consider my best friend. Even though shes never been through an eating disorder she seems to understand and she can control it for me. It's very odd because I find I can't control it?

For example... She is the only one who can stop me mid binge or stop my reflux of food which I do.

She has always said I can open up and she will always be there to help. I know love and support plays a huge role in ones bulimia recovery however, I just can't accept it and I don't understand why... I just feel so guilty about everything!

My mind plays tricks and i read some messages I'm sent the wrong way and my head tells me she doesn't care yet I know deep down she does...

She's gone out her way to help me yet my head chooses to go against it. I've found myself trying to distance from her as I don't want to bother or upset her anymore - As I tried something very stupid last week after my house rent bounced and other bad problems and tried to attempt to kill myself yet I couldn't go thru wit it and I don't know why? I just don't see an escape?

Everyone hates me and I've now driven her away and can't let her in, i panic and worry and I get upset because I then don't talk to her... It's like a viscious cycle like my eating disorder.

I also think people think I'm lying because when in the company of others I put on a brave face and am generally happy... But, on my own I just sit and sob until early hours of the morning and just binge loads.

I see bulimia as my friend as it's the only one who hasn't left or lied to me. But, in reality I know this isnt true.

How do I let her in and accept her help and make the paranoia and anxiety go away? Will I get ther do you think?

I'm so scared especially as its the second time I've attempted to take my life and then stopped. What do I do? I have no medical help and find it hard to talk openly so I prefer to write to express how I'm really feeling.

What would u do?

Have u ever been like this with someone? Do they truly want to help?

I'm scared I will have no one in my life who accepts me like she has and when shes gone that will be it again! This probably sounds stupid sorry!

lots love hayley x x x x x

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program