I hate purging but I can't stop it
I guess I need help.
I really hate sticking my fingers down my throat and trying to vomit. I totally hate that feeling. And when I binge, I KNOW I will definitely regret after that but I continue to binge, thinking that EVERYTHING will get puked out after that.
So when i started puking and when I can't seem to puke out everything, I get all panicky and worried. And then I will tell myself 'Okay this is the last time you are doing this. LAST TIME.' You might have guessed it, this self-talk never works. The 'last time' is always postponed to tomorrow and the day after.
And the worse thing is, even though I'm not hungry, I still binge. I will find all the unhealthy food in the house and eat them because I ALWAYS think that they will get puked out but I don't think it's even possible to puke out all 100% of the food :( and then when I cannot seem to puke them out, I get worried and start to feel loser-ish.
You know what is my number one wish? To be bulimia-free, for life. My longest record of not purging was 2 weeks and I can't seem to go any further than that.
I really can't stand it anymore.. I'm crying. I feel so weak. I feel like a loser. Why did bulimia even exist.. I hate to binge even when I'm not hungry. Sigh.
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