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I hate ED

by Orla
(Belfast)

I've suffered an eating disorder from the age of 11 and have only admitted in the last six months that I have a serious problem...

I went from binge/purging to starving myself, to eating then training until I literally can't stop anymore, I most recently went through a stage of relying on laxatives and having colonic treatments and now I am uncontrollably binge eating.

I am becoming more and more depressed and can not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I have been referred to a CBT which is due to start in a few weeks, I take 60mg of Fluxotine daily and go to a personal trainer to be pushed as hard as I can in the gym.

I'm beginning to feel that life is not worth living. I will be 30 in August and I have never had a proper relationship with a man because i've been in this weird relationship with food...

For example today I promised i would be good and eat normally but after a good start to the day things went down hill when i got to work. It was a packet of biscuits, not just one, four scones, two twix bars, a big bag of hairibos, sasuage rolls, toast with peanut butter (8 rounds), crisps....the list is longer but i feel shamed.

It is controlling my life and I want soooo much to get better but feel so out of control when I binge.

Can anyone offer any suggestions on how to control these binges? xx

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I hate ED

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Jun 15, 2011
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I had never imagined that I could beat bulimia...
by: Shaye

Hi Orla,

I promise you, life is worth living! You never know what is just around the corner - and it could be something so beautiful!

I had never imagined that I could beat bulimia - but I did... And, I know you can too.

If you persistently put your CBT into action, it will help. But you need to practice it and keep working at it. I used CBT to help me recover from bulimia... At first I thought it was a little odd - but in time I could notice the changes happening in my brain.

Can I ask you a question... On the days that you say you will be 'good' and eat normally... Do you plan your meals? Do you plan the times that you will eat? What would a 'normal' day of eating be in your eyes? If you let me know I can give you some advice on how to move forward :)

Looking forward to hearing back from you!

Love
Shaye

Jun 15, 2011
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relationships
by: jennifer

i know this sounds horrible, but deep down inside i am so relieved to hear that another woman out there has the same relationship issues that i have. i have been in recovery since the middle of february from having bulimia since fall 2002 and am now 26 years old. i have never had a proper relationship with a guy either. ever. never been kissed, never been out on a date, never had a boyfriend, never held hands with a crush, never had sex... i am beginning to think i will never experience any of that because of my messed up relationship with food and my extremely low self esteem and poor body image. i feel like a freak of nature having reached 26 years old and never even been kissed. being a virgin at this age is SO RARE in the states (i live in chicago) and even my little brother has had the same girlfriend since high school and he is only 19. not even my mom knows my state of being a virgin. i am too embarrassed and ashamed to tell her or ANYONE about my non-existent relationships with the opposite sex.

Jun 16, 2011
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Ed
by: Orla

Hi Shaye. Thanks for the reply. On good days I plan my meals and my times. I prepare everything the night before and these days are my happiest days. I feel in control and healthy. I realise that this is going to be a long process but I feel I am getting worse now that I have admitted I have a problem. My weight fluctuates so much. I can put on 10lbs in a week and loose it within two weeks - neither being healthy. After long binges I am so tired it resembles the feeling of a heavy night on the drink ..... I am prepared to fight this illness with everything I have got but my will power seems so low.

Jun 18, 2011
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bulimia recovery
by: Shaye

Hey Orla,

You hit the nail on the head there - on the days you plan - you are the happiest... It is so important to plan every single meal and snack in the beginning of this recovery journey. Be it for 1 month, 2 months, 3,4,5 or more... In the scheme of things this small daily hassle is worth it! To free ourselves from bulimia - we need structure in our eating - at least at the start. This reinforces in our brains that food is coming and there is no need to get these massive out of control urges. Make yourself a pact to plan your meals every day for a month. See how it goes... Every day that you eat in this structured way - you are unwiring the years of bulimia.

It is so easy for weight to fluctuate 5, 10 even 15 pounds... Believe it or not - often a very small amount of this is fat. I gained 12 pounds in my first week of recovery - which as you can imagine was terrifying! But not I can see that it was simply water weight and food in my tummy. A small amount was likely fat - but it wouldn't have been more than a few pounds. When we purge we dehydrate ourselves - and that's what a lot of the weight loss is.

Keep pushing ahead - keep planning - keep working on that self esteem... You will get there!

Love
Shaye

Jul 04, 2011
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Struggle
by: Orla

Thanks Shaye - I am finding this page really helpful. Staying focused is so difficult. Sometimes I feel it is easier to give in to the binge than try and fight it. I had a really bad weekend - waking at 2am to fill myself with chocolate, today has been ok so far but I am so exhausted I just want to sleep. My work is being effected and I can't concentrate. I really wish there was an easy way to fix this terrible illness...

Jul 04, 2011
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bulimia quick fix
by: Shaye

Hey Orla :)

I know what you mean by wanting an easy fix... I used to feel the same! But the only true way to recovery is by putting one foot in front of the other... Sometimes it feels painfully slow - but it is a guaranteed way to get you there!

Keep up your good work... And give yourself praise for every little step forward you take!

Love
Shaye

Aug 23, 2011
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Hitting Rock Bottom
by: Anonymous

Oh where do I start.... I'm sure loads of people with bulemia will have gone through the same feelings as me yet I still feel like I am the only person that is beyond help. I feel so embarrassed even typing this but when I am uncontrollably bingeing I quite often find myself through bins at home and at work. Obviously this leaves me feeling low and depressed yet I can't break the cycle. In work this week I was looking through the bin when one of the other consultants came in. I was mortified and pretended I had dropped something. I don't know what to do to at least stop doing this. Did anyone else go through this? I'd really like to know.... :-(

xx

Aug 23, 2011
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hitting rock bottom - reply
by: Shaye

Hi there!

You are definitely not alone... Rummaging through bins - been there. Stealing food - been there. Eating my own vomit - been there. You name it, I would have done it...

I remember thinking I was a complete and utter nut case because of the lengths I would go through to get food... But, now that I have recovered I now realise that I was simply suffering from what I call primal hunger (You can read about this in The Bulimia Recovery guide) and my out of control urge to eat was a side effect of this.

I know it is hard to believe that it gets better - but if you find a plan to follow and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will get there. Progress may be slow - but I swear that every challenge you fight is worth it!

I hope that you are feeling a little better today.

Love
Shaye

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

I hate ED

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I hate ED