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I got good at lying to the people that I loved the most. My most horrifying story.

Bulimia is one of those things that you really just can't play around with. Sometimes I feel like it has just become a part of who I am, and like many others have said, I've gotten so good at hiding it. I wish that right now I could tell everyone that it's not a struggle of mine, but it is. I hate that it is. I got so wrapped up with my appearance, with the world, that I stopped paying attention to what really mattered...and as cliche as it sounds, it's what is in the heart that matters. I have had such a strong hold on being accepted...when all along, my real friends would accept me, anyways. I'm 18 now, will be 19 soon. I've struggled with bulimia since I was about 12 years old. I can say that physically, it has been an on and off thing. I would be able to "grab a hold of my senses" and say "you are hurting yourself. and in hurting yourself, you are hurting the people that love you", so I would force myself to eat, and no matter how badly my body wanted to throw up (it becomes addicting to your body, too, not just your mind), I wouldn't let it. But like I just said, it's in your head too. That part needs just as much recovery as your body does. So I would always fall back on it...and I have yet again, this time lasting the longest.

My most horrifying story. This time around is the first time that anyone has ever "caught me", known that what I was doing to myself was wrong. It wasn't even my mom that caught me, but another lady that I look up to just as much. I've moved in with her because of school, and look up to her as another mom. But when you're in new surroundings, you have to hide the addiction differently. She caught me, sat me down, and had a long talk with me about it. I felt like I was in trouble, but I know that she just loves me. Of course, I denied what she was even talking about... but here recently I've gotten to where I don't even eat as much. She caught on to that, watching me closer than I realized. One night at dinner I pretended to be eating, hiding food in napkins, etc. She had another plate ready for me that I didn't know about. I "finish eating", load the dishwasher, all that. She comes in the kitchen, puts the other plate on the table and told me "You're not going anywhere, or doing anything, until you've eaten more than half of this food. Then you will sit here for 30 minutes, or I will get A (her husband) in here with the belt." SHE WAS NOT KIDDING. My sickness got so bad, that she was not going to let up. Naturally, because I'm worried about the weight, I immediately refused, immediately back talked her, and was headed in the general direction to get "spanked", as an 18 year old. I was PISSED. I knew that I was in the wrong though, and I knew/know that I need help. Her way of trying to help is making me eat, which means I have to obey her, yadda yadda, and if I don't, there's consequences, yadda yadda. I've gotten to the point, as said earlier, it becomes an addiction to your body, your body immediately wants to throw up. Which is true. But because I'm a teenage girl and don't like to be told what to do, I test my own waters. K, the "other mom", literally tried feeding me. I wouldn't/couldn't/didn't want to eat. What happened? Ended up with 3 swats with the belt.... at 18.I was horrified, not to mention, hurt. Most. Embarrassing thing that I have let this disorder get me into. Although, it's the only threat that seems to give me motivation to eat, there's still healing to do in the mind.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program