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I feel totally guilty

by Vv


Im 24 years old asian, currently living alone in foreign country, been away from my home country for nearly 8years.
It all started a year ago, i was an obese girl, my weight almost reached X kg (my height is 173cm). I used to be a confident and happy go lucky kind of girl despite my weight, i didnt really care about my appearances at all. Until i moved to another country where anyone is so skinny, and being a fat girl is totally a crime, and u would get treated like second class citizen. I started to get conscious about my body, started to take diet pills, but taking pills wasnt fast enough to shed all the fats in me, until I accidentally purging one day, then it struck me, that I could lose weight even though I binge.

Its been a year since ive became a bulimic, i lost nearly X kgs in a year, and everyone was amazed at my drastic change. It felt good to get compliments from others on how beautiful I look now, or how sexy I became, and boys started to notice me too, and I get treated better here unlike old times where they simply gave me one eye. But deep down inside my heart, I feel totally guilty when I purge after I binge. One side, I feel guilty for eating too much, and there's like someone whispering to me 'fat bitch, u arent allowed to eat, throw it all up!' while on the other side, I feel guilty for wasting food and wasting money while I could use those money to buy foods for the poor instead of flushing it down to the drain.

I did tell my mom that I had bulimia before, but she wasnt aware about what bulimia is all about, she even asked her friends about it, all of her friends simply shrugged it off by saying 'its only an indigestion problem that ur daughter lost so much weight.' hence, she didnt really care and only encourage me to try to eat more since I look sick all the time. I cried and shouting on the phone (since I live in different country, we only communicate through phone calls) cause I was frustrated that it took me so long to encourage myself to confess to her in hope of getting help. I gave up talking with my mom.

Btw, my stepfather used to mock me all the time about me being fat, and always asked me to lose weight, therefore, she always asked me to lose weight. Now that I lost so much weight, she encouraged me to gain more weight. I got frustrated again, it felt like its wrong to be fat, yet its also wrong to be skinny. Yet I'm aware all she wanted is me being healthy. But when I told her the reason behind my drastic weight loss, the story above happened.

I did tell my bestfriends, and they always watch my food intake and always preventing me to go to toilet alone, but they only could do that if Im home, they couldnt watch me once I return to my current place. I tried to help myself yet I always failed. I dont want bulimia destroying my life. My whole perspective about body image is changing and I'm obsessed with scales. Whenever I eat, my mind is like automatically telling me i need to go to toilet to throw it all up, i dont wanna live in this path anymore, its been taken its toll on my brain, all i think abt is how much i eat a day, its been stressing me out. However, i know that someday i'll be able to recover from bulimia and start to 'live' again.

Thank you for reading my story, and sorry for the errors I made, english isnt my first language.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

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