I feel like a monster.

by Jane Doe
(Canada)

Hey,

My name is Jane Doe, and I have Bulimia. I've had it for a while now...about 3 years I think, I've lost track and stopped counting, I've also lost track of how many times I've tried to quit and stop. It makes me sick to think about what I do.

I remember watching Dr. Phil once before I ever had bulimia, and on the show it showed a girl who was bulimic, it broke my heart, and I couldn't fathom how somebody could do that to themselves at that point in time...

Now here I am, and I almost don't remember who I was when I didn't have bulimia, all i remember was it started with a thought that went a little something like this. "No, I don't want to eat that because I don't want to gain weight....hmm, but wait, what if i did eat it then just threw it up after??...hmmm" so i tried it, then it all went down hill from there!!

I thought I had found a magic cure for eating and never getting fat, and it worked out well for a while because I worked out a lot, and still ate good food to let my body digest it so i was getting some nutrition. But the worse I had gotten into bulimia the less I was working out, and the worse I was eating and binging. Sometimes i said NO your not going to puke you ate it your going to live with it, but that only made me get fatter and depressed about my weight gain I wouldn't even step foot out of my home.

It has been a tornado of feelings, and fails, and attempts. I'm fed up with it. There has to be a way out. This is not fun, and it is slowly killing me from the inside out. I love health, I love nutrition. I work out every day, and eat 5 planed meals a day, but then late at night when nobodies home the urge comes, sometimes I can say no, and go right to bed. But sometimes I can not! and tonight was one of those nights! after two binges and purges I jumped right online and started researching natural, healthy ways I can just stop this cycle and move on with my life in a much more healthy way.

I can't do this anymore, its tearing me down, ripping me apart, and all i feel like doing right now is crying, cuz I'm not sure what else I can do at this point, I want to be strong, but there is nothing left in me to give to this. I need to fix my mind from going back to this, I just don't want to even think about it anymore. I don't know why I ever let it enter into my life when I knew how bad it looked from the outside, and how bad it was for me, coming from somebody who is really into health I feel like a liar! Like a hypocrite. I want to change for the better and move on, I know I can do this. There has to be a way. A healthy way.

Love, somebody with hope for a better future.