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I feel i have lost myself to Bulimia

by Sarah
(London, England)

I am a 28 year old woman, who was born and brought up in London, England and my bulimia started 11 years ago....I was told by family and friends that I was FAT, even teachers told me I was fat, my mum was embarrassed because I was the only fat daughter she had, the other 3 were perfect size 6...and I was all but 11 years old, but I didn't care, I pushed it to the back of my mind..It was there but I didn't think about it...than I hit puberty and my body started to change, I started growing breasts and hips and became more plumper...I noticed the change and did not like it, needless to say the remarks came back to me more then ever.

I was 16 and had started college and found a certain boy attractive, he was in my circle of friends, one day we were playing cards and he made a remark about my weight and how I probably weighed as much as an elephant!!!...That night when i went home I cried and cried and swore that I will lose weight and be like the skinny model like girls who everyone found attractive.

It was coming up to the christmas holidays and I decided to lose weight but I started doing it the correct way. I cut out all sugar, fat etc and ate healthy. In 2 weeks I had lost 5kg and everyone noiticed, my family and friends at college. But I couldn't take not eating, my friend mentioned to me she was bulimic and that she ate but threw up afterwards so I thought maybe I can do that too.

I started eating whatever I wanted to, then used to go to the toilet to purge it all out, I would open the taps to disguise the sound of me vomiting. Sometimes vomit would go everywhere, on the floor and wall tiles and over the toilet, then I would spend ages cleaning it all up and trying to get rid of the smell. My sisters and mum realised what I was doing because sometimes I didn't manage to clean all of the vomit.

I had to stop using the toilet, I would vomit into bags in my room and then hide the bags behind my wardrobes and bed. Eventually my room started smelling rancid. It smelt of vomit which wasn't cleaned....My parents were quite over protective and wouldn't allow me todo anything and I would take my frustration out by binging and purging. I would always be depressed, I didn't have any self confidence, eventually it got so bad that by the age of 18 I tried to commit suicide.

It didn't work and I ended up in hospital on drip with a pumped stomach, my family were devastated but they thought i was like this because of a boy, they didn't understand. So I pushed them away and they pushed me away. My bulimia carried on through uni, I met my husband when I was 19 and at my last year of college.

I breifly told him about my bulimia but not properly, I actually stopped vomiting for about 2-3 months, but I hardly ate. My depression and self hate started getting worse. My bulimia continued, I would have no energy and would lie in bed for days sleeping...I was constantly constipated, I didn't have a life. I carried on, the cycle continued, I used to vomit into bags but now I had a car so I would take the bags and leave them in my boot and throw them awy at work or somewhere away from home. I started binging and purging at work so my parents wouldn't know.

I got married, and started living with my in laws, I hated it, they are so controlling, always want everything their way. My bulimia carried on and this viscious cycle continued. My skin is alway bad, my teeth hurt, I have headaches, my food doesn't digest, I have terrible bloating and trapped wind where the food I have eaten still sits in my stomach and starts to frement. So I have to vomit that out. Miraculously I have hidden all this from my husband and family. I don't know if they suspect or not. I always feel down and depressed, I had to leave my job because i Started taking time off and it got too much. Its been nearly 18 months I am out of work and whenever I start to apply for a role I feel I am not good enough and stop.

I am sick and tired of feeling depressed and ugly and fat, I have actually started putting weight on now because my food doesn't digest and when I do try to eat whatever I do digest probabaly gets stored. My digestive system is so bad now that I need to take medicines because of acid reflux and I can't purge anymore so whatever I eat I have to keep down, but I feel terrible, I can't get rid of those horrible thoughts. I feel like running away from everyone, sometimes I feel like killing myself. I haven't looked in a mirror for about 5 years. I keep a pocket mirror and smear that with vaseline so i can see myself but its slightly distorted. I am scared to look in the mirror.

I know I need professional help or help in some sort of form, mainly to re function my brain into not thinking the way I do...I am so scared that I will always feel like this...I have lost most of my friends and my family don't really think much of me because of the way I behave and my personality. Me and my husband have been trying for a baby for about 8 months but with no luck and I am scared I am infertile....I am also scared that if i do get pregnant will i be fit to be a mother if i am constantly depressed... I need help and I hope by writing this and visiting this website I find the strength to find this help and start recovering because I don't think I can go on like this anymore...Asking my family for help is not an option....My husband doesn't really have any knowledge of this illness to help me and I doubt he could help me....I feel all alone but reading other bulimics stories I know that I am not alone in this struggle to overcome this beast of an illness that most people don;'t even recognise as an illness!!!

I hope myself and all the other thousands of people suffering are strong enough to overcome this!

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