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I feel a fraud and a failure.

by Anon
(Brighton)

I have been in a recovery programme for food for just over a year and have had a good recovery. However the programme is based on being honest with yourself and others. Recently i started sponsoring someone but had relapsed a couple of weeks before. I kept it to myself because i didn't want to go back to day 1 or disappoint/lose my sponsor.I feel such shame and a fraud because im making out all is well and it's not. My relapse didn't start with me returning to bulimia but over the last week it has escalated and im consumed by it.I know the way forward is to talk to my sponsor but then the thought of her then having to know that i haven't been honest with her or anyone is filling me with dread and i just want to deny what ive done and try to get back on track but i don't think i can unless im honest about this and then start over with a clean slate.Another thing is that we share our recovery stories at our meetings after we have obtained 90 days of continuous abstinence and recovery but i cannot stand up and share because i think everyone can see through me and i know im lying.
I hate myself so much for relapsing in the first place...i know where the food takes me and yet here i am again. It's such a mess.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program