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by JayJay Aguilar
(Davis, CA)

I've been on and off diets ever since I was 10. I realized my binge-eating habits when I was 15 and from then on, it just kept going. I didn't realize that I had an eating problem. I just remember that my mother would allow me to eat whatever I wanted and how ever much I wanted. I would eat more than most people at age 5; I wasn't overweight then. I started noticing my weight was higher than average around 7th grade (I was around 10 then).

I think it had a lot to do my mother telling me to eat more because I was too skinny, and then when I was 15 and weighing around X, my mother and others would tell me I'm too fat. It was like I was never good enough. I would order pizzas with a friend and I would eat a whole box to myself but my friend would only have one slice. I always thought, "How come she never wanted to binge with me? I need someone to understand and binge with me." I felt so alone; so I ate even more. I have been on vegetarian diets, a vegan, on atkins, calorie counting, nutrisystem, Asian-only foods, weight watchers, and was an anorexic.

I can't stop eating!!! If I'm on a non-calorie strict diet, I will binge on anything. For example, when I was a vegan or vegetarian I would binge on those foods (fruits, bread, yogurt, veggies etc.). I just like the feeling of being full. I hated, and still do, being hungry or feeling empty. Just like this post is all about, I know I can't fill my void with fullness of food but I do try. I am X pounds now and I'm only 5'0 tall. That means I am at a dangerous level of many health problems.

As I'm writing my story now to people like me, I start to cry. It's been a battlefield for me and I haven't won it yet. I'm 26 years old now; I'm married with no children. I'm afraid to have children because of my uncontrollable eating habits. I don't want this for my children. It's difficult to change. I know that I am eating emotionally and I seem to know what's triggering it, I just don't know how to stop it. So I'm writing this to tell you that YOU'RE NOT ALONE! Thanks for reading my post and I hope this will help, somehow. I would love to receive responses as well, just don't know how I can get them.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program