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I don't want to keep doing this

by Annelise

I've been denying the fact that I have a problem for about 5 years now. I've never once thrown up. I'm "not" a bulimic. My sister has been in and out of ED inpatient/outpatient programs for the last 8 years of my life and I have so wanted to not be associated. But the truth is that I am an exercise bulimic. I compulsively exercise and count calories and I am miserable. Food and exercise have taken over too much of my life and I want it back. I am scared to death of losing control but I can't think about anything but my weight and food and how I'm going to burn all those calories. I hurt my foot somehow (probably overexercising) and now I"m panicking at the prospect of not being able to work out any more. I've been doing other things to work muscles and get some movement (because I do like exercise too) but it's not enough to satisfy that compulsive part of me that says I must burn the calories.
I want a way out, but I'm scared the people I know will judge me. I have to tell someone else so I can get help but I don't know how to bring it up.
My fiance knows and he's supportive but he's 4 1/2 hours away, I'm lonely, I can't talk to my family and I'm so overwhelmed and stressed that the problem is worse than it's ever been. This isn't life! I don't want to live this way...
I am praying for the strength to just stop - maybe an injury is God's way of giving me a no excuses way out...
I just pray that I can do the next thing that is moving towards wholeness, and then the next thing after that, and maybe at some point I will crawl out of this monstrous hole I'm in.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program