Your bulimia recovery
Tap here to read more about the bulimia recovery program

My online program and private recovery community has helped hundreds of women beat bulimia.
Click here to learn more

Beat bulimia using my online recovery program and private community. Hundreds of women who were just like you have done the same!

Click here to learn more Member Login

I don't want to feel vulnerable, but yes, I am bulimic

by Hannah
(Seoul, Korea)

I was chubby all my life until I graduated from high school and lost X kg (aprox. X pounds). When I lost weight, everyone treated me differently. Before then, I always felt ugly and disgusting. I always felt obligated to act nicely and study hard to compensate my ugly feature. After losing weight, I felt attractive and thought my value as a human being had been upgraded immensely. But as all the intense dieting does, I gained back most of the weights within a year. At that time I had reset my whole life in different country to start college. Everyone in college knew me only as a thin girl and the immediate gaining of weight was very obviously shocking to everyone. People noticed and I started to act defensive. I felt less loved and less valued. After breaking up with my very first college boyfriend, I started to starve myself. I just had to lose weight. To show everyone that I am still valuable. To show people that I am not the pathetic girl who got dumped by her dumb boyfriend after gaining ton of weight. I barely ate anything but one day after two sleepless night of studying for final, I felt so tired that I lost control of my diet and ate a big breakfast. I barely slept for few days and my system must have been worn out as I had to throw up the whole meal. That was when I got the idea of purging. It was just so easy. I just had to look down the toilet and think of all the calories I ingested. All the food felt so disgusting in my body that I automatically threw up as much as I could.

I am a psychology major. I study eating disorders. I knew about bulimia and binging, purging, excessive exercising, and fasting. But at that time, I thought I knew THIS wasn't eating disorder. I couldn't be a bulimic as I didn't binge. I couldn't be anorexic as I was not underweight. I did purge, but I didn't binge. I did starve, but hey, I every college girls starve now and then to fit into their dresses.

Just like every other bulimics, my symptoms only got worse. My purging got harder and I chose to binge in order to induce that uncomfortable sensation in my stomach that make me purge. My blood pressure dropped, my potassium level was out of the normal range, I got anemia, and after 18 month of being a bulimic, I passed out in my bathtub as my blood pressure dropped severely when I tried to get up.

I stopped purging and binging with help from my current boyfriend. But I couldn't get over the fact that I had once been dumped by a guy after gaining weight. Stopping to purge made me gain a few pounds. I loved my boyfriend so much that the thought of him leaving me made me go back to my old habit.

I had relapse after 3 month of stopping purging. Now I don't know what to do. I am now borderline underweight, and I am loving my size, but I constantly think losing few more pounds will make me perfect. I consciously think that I should stop purging or I will kill my self with bulimia. But unconsciously, I cannot let go of this mental disorder because I feel bulimia made me skinny which makes me attractive and valuable.

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to bulimic letter.



Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program