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I don't want to do it but my I can't control my urges, my habit, my sickness. Bulimia.

by Jessica Castillo
(New York)

I'm laying here on my living room couch typing this. So bloated because I just can't throw up anymore. I already did it twice today, twice yesterday, twice before that. In my bathroom, the local McDonalds, the gas station down the road. My throat aches, my voice is raspy and when I walked up the stairs I felt like I was holding bricks.

I can't believe how many times I've stopped. I even swore to my God and I failed him.

About a week ago my brother confronted me telling me he knows what I'm doing. I told him uncomfortably how I didn't need help I'm fine, now he knows. So does my mother, maybe my father.

I have a really horrible relationship with people around me. I don't have a problem being myself around people, heck but when I'm this sick like tonight I don't want to talk to anyone. I just wish I could fall asleep and not wake up until I'm skinny where I don't have to think about my figure.

Well it usually starts out where I'm happy. I eat a small fiber full breakfast but later my mind reminds me. Hey look at that croissant and the ice cream and how it is so simple to throw it up. Well if there is any stress that can come to mind (now it can be anything, something as stupid as the baby not wanting to eat) I'll snap, my body feels jittery, my hands shake, my breathing speeds up.

I just eat whatever until boom maybe it's time to 'release'.

I can't throw up with just my fingers. I use paper towels or toilet papers and roll em up and stick them down my throat where I can comfortably get a reflex to expel of the food.

- I remember when I got a blood clot in my eye.

- I remember thinking I was so sneaky by throwing up in a plastic container while I was in the shower.

- Or going out to buy something when instead I might have been in a public bathroom for an hour straight.

In pain, my mind was heavy with feelings of depression, hatred, anger. How could I look at my love ones the same way?

To conclude I haven't stopped to think how long I've been doing this. Probably two years, all when my constipation began and I ate and threw up because I was so bloated. I ended up drinking - that life where food was never a problem. Heck I ate like crazy but that's when I was hungry. I was 5'3 - weighting 115 for all of my high-school years. Now I eat when any stress comes to me. Sometimes I wonder if there were pills to calm my nerves down.

It's embarrassing, my brother told me to call him when I felt like this but wow, how embarrassing really. That same day when I looked him in the eye and told him Ok when he told me to just not do it again. I proceeded to go home alone drink and eat drink and eat. I was screaming at the walls, screaming at myself. I had messed up everything in my life.

I'll probably ask for help. Keep myself busy. Be happy. I have issues with letting people know who I am. I love someone who doesn't love me back. I gave up and told a person who would give their life up for me to never talk to me again.

I had a messed up childhood I guess, maybe. I always deny it maybe because to me it wasn't a big deal but I never had the nerve to tell anyone.

I honestly don't want to write too much, I could go on forever. I just realize I can't do it by myself.

I have goals in life, a career, a car, parents which are working/living to just make sure that their youngest child makes it through life better then her other siblings. This really hurts me deep inside. But then again it's not a big deal right. Seems like I can ward off emotion quickly but get caught up in other peoples emotions.

I wish I had found this site earlier, thank you for making this site, your truly an angel. You're very beautiful, I would think you would look a little messed up after everything but you look amazing.

I hope I can stop.

I will stop.

A Response From Shaye

Hi there Jessica,

I hope you are feeling a little better after getting all that out. It sounds like you are in such a difficult place at the moment. I have been there Jessica - and I know you can pull through like I did.

Most people don't understand what bulimia does to a person. It consumes them... it changes how they act, how they love, how they live... It changes everything. But deep down is the same old person who just wants their life back. Deep down - you are still there - DONT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!

Your brother sounds like a lovely guy... he sounds genuinely concerned. I know this will be hard - but I think you should try to open up to him. Tell him how bulimia is ruining your life. Talking about it will ease the burden that you are carrying all by yourself. A problem shared is a problem halved!

Start with little steps towards recovering...

You already know that you binge when you're stressed (which is a great start!) Try to figure out things you can do to ease your stress levels. It could even be really simple things like going for a walk, calling up a friend, chatting to your brother...

When you feel like bingeing, try to distract yourself by doing one of the things that de-stress you.

Take time out for 5 minutes... go to a quiet place and breathe deeply, thinking about all the things that make you happy :) If you still need to binge after that - then that's okay... these practices won't work magically right away... but keep doing them and you'll start discovering things that do help.

Are you able to visit a counsellor or therapist? I went to a free on at my university which helped me so much... Perhaps you could do the same somehow?

Jessica - believe in yourself - you sound like an intelligent and wonderful girl... Give yourself more kudos :)

Lots of love

P.S. PLEASE don't stick things in your throat to throw up - my sister did this with a toothbrush and SWALLOWED it. You can read her scary toothbrush bulimia story here...

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program