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I dont want to be trapped forever at 16, please help me

by mal
(melbourne)

I'm 16 now, and it all started 2 years ago when I moved to Australia, and all my relatives starting commenting on how much weight I've gained, how round my face is etc. Even my parents said that I've put on some pounds and I was annoyed.

So my nightmare began.. It started off with dieting and the motive to get rid of my lower belly fat, and healthier choices of food (like not eating fried stuff and fatty food), then i became more and more obsessed to the point where I would research on google everything I had just consumed and count the calories. Each time I went over X cals, (which was alot of the times), i would start feeling physically sick. But I didn't dare to throw up, i didn't think i would....

But then it went on and the bloating and discomfort I felt in my belly just was too much, until one day i can't remember how, I started re-eating my food (where food will slip up my throat and i'd chew a few times before swallowing back down, i still have this habit til today) and i'd spit out what came out of my throat. What's worse is everytime I still see that belly fat bulging PLUS the horrible bloating making me look like im pregnant, i'd feel so much guilt and shame that i had to throw up. I even do hula hooping 30 mins every night just to get the feeling of "fatness" away.

Then one day, i had a massive craving for cereal after dinner. So I had some with fat free yoghurt, and that was when i had my first ever binge. I started eating and eating non stop like you did, i'd zone out and eat. It feels so horrible and I feel like my lower belly fat just accumulates every time I binge but i can't stop because it feels so good eating cereal (toasted oats, weetabix).. I still do it now and i spit it out into a plastic bag i hide in the corner of my room...

Til today, i walk about 5km every morning to school and back, do running group and strength and conditioning classes, and i always feel bad everytime my brother goes to intense badminton training as i feel like im missing out on burning all the calories... I get irritated when my siblings go out for a run without me or eat healthier choices than me.. and its affecting my relationship with them..... Please help, i don't know what to do and how to stop..

I also starve myself during lunchtime and after school i'd go to this healthy food place and pig out there since i'm so hungry as I havn't eaten since recess... Its become a habit and i LOVE the food there so i go there twice a week, and i would walk home from the shop (about 5-6km) to get rid of the "fatness" again.

Thank you so much for your time and reading and I appreciate ANY feedback to improve myself.... since no one in my family understands...

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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