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I dont know whether i can ever beat this demon

by T.

I have been abusing myself and my body for 10 years now. I've always been a chubby girl when I was younger. Being thin for me has always been my passion because I believe I will be more beautiful and loved and nobody would make fun of me and I will be adored my others. Now that I'm not fat anymore, I feel so ugly inside.

Food has always been a major issue my whole life. Ive always enjoyed eating. Growing up, my family and friends seemed to always be watching their weight and pushing me to watch mine too. With that kind of pressure, I tried to restrict myself with crazy diet regime. Some days it worked, some days I just feel so hungry and when my prime hunger striked I just went crazy and started to binge. It started when i was 15 when I had my first episode of b&p. I thought it was such a brilliant idea. I could eat whatever & whenever I wanted without being fat. So I decided to cheat my way of being beautiful.

I am 25 years old now & I dont remember having one day without purging. As years progressed, I became more chronic. The past 5 years got worst as I developed an addiction of food. It doesnt matter what it is, I will eat as long as its there.I dont even know what I like or hate anymore cause I just swallow with numbness. I get frustrated & angry sometimes when i don't have enough. Throwing up seems so effortless now. It has become automatic I just cant keep it in me. My b&p cycle can happen to 10x a day or even more. My portion is abnormal for a relatively slim body that I'm carrying right now. People that dont know often are envious of me because no matter how much I eat I just stay the same. They dont know that I'm just a scam filled with denials. My family on the other hand eventually finds out about my disease. Even though I never admitted, my actions & routines are a little too obvious & frankly disturbing. I'm so ashamed of myself. I cant even control myself when I'm around food. Its like my mind & soul is some where else. I dont know when to stop and I cant even keep it a secret anymore.

This disease is taking over my life. Its vicious & out of control. Despite having the weight that I've dreamt of, everything else intact is uglier than ever. My skin, my hair, my mouth, especially my teeth. It is deteriorating my health and inner organs. I feel so old cause I'm always so restless, forgetful & feels so fragile. I've wasted too much money to fix myself and all the food that I threw away. I could probably do so much with the amount of money I spent all these years. I've wasted my talent, my dream job. My love & social life is barely non existence. I tend to just isolate myself at home feasting in my room.

I actually know what is right & wrong. What I should or shouldnt do but I'm always repeating the same vicious mistakes every single day. I'm so weak I cant even take care of myself, let alone others. I feel so useless. I keep telling myself day after day that tomorrow will be a brand new day to start over fresh. It has been years & I'm still not going anywhere. Its so difficult for me to let go. I dont even know whether I'm going to get through this.

I have finally come to terms that I really need professional help. I've decided to see a therapist sometime soon. But I am scared. I fear I will go back to being the unwanted fat girl I once was. But I'm even more scared of dying & wasting my perfectly good life away. I'm so lost, I really dont know whether I will beat this toxic addiction I've developed so intensely for a decade. I think about food as I'm writing this even. I am nothing. Just a disgrace, failure and burden to my family. I wish in could reset & brainwash my mind. I wish I was stronger. I dont wish this for anybody at all. I've chosen the wrong path & its slowly eating me away.

Shaye, you are a true inspiration. I hope one day soon I could be just like you. Full of hope and kindness. Thank you for your wonderful site, this is the very first time for me to open up and being so honest about my disease. I do feel a lot better after sharing and reading stories from people that is suffering as much as me kind of comforts me cause I know now that I'm not alone. I just need more courage to face the reality. I hope I will be free and live as a normal healthy and most importantly happy human being soon..

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program