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i don't know where to start, i have so many! but one of them was at a party..

by carmen
(New York)

When i was 18 years old it was my best friend's cousin's birthday party. They were having a bbq. I get ready at my house while pigging out on oreos and brownies and sugar cookies, right before leaving to the party i obviously threw up...

i wasn't trying to feel uncomfortably full after pigging out on those cookies. Anyway i get to the party, say hi to everyone. hugged the birthday boy, give him a gift and oh my god! there were sooo many things to put my hands on! by the way my friend was chubby and she always asked how come i ate more than her and i never gained any weight my answer was "i don't know girl, i guess im lucky i got a fast metabolism. deep inside i was more like " Oh MY GOD! if only she knew!!! pshht whatever not like she's ever going to find out anhyway!. so as i was saying i started with a giant piece of stake, potato salad, corn salad, chicken wings, italian sausages and of course burgers! my friend was like damn you're starving and i was like oh yeaa i haven't had anything the whole day! and i went to sleep with an empty stomach last night. so i kept serving myself. Then we had dessert; chocolate cake, cupcakes and of course cheesecake! anyway i get so full! that i stopped believing that is even possible to eat this much. specially after my best friend's mom starts noticing that i could eat and that was just enough for me to feel disgusted and embarrassed. i get up and go straight to the bathroom. i start throwing up like there's no tomorrow! i throw up soo much! that then i start thinking if everything is going to go through. and then i start freaking out! but then im like nah its definitely going to work. since i was taking forever my friend comes and asks if im okay and i was like yes im on the phone with my mom ill be right out. then i try flushing the toilet and OH MY GOD!! everything gets stuck!!! i start panicking but i couldn't go out there! they would find out im bulimic. I'm like locked in there for 40 minutes trying to figure out how to fix the toilet and then it i flush it again almost over flooding it! until it finally occured to me that made it if i could just take part of it out then stick my hand all the way inside the toilet whole maybe it would pass through so thats exactly what i did i stuck my whole hand in there!! anyway i sort of fixed but there was still more and i could see part of the steak and my friend starts knocking and im just going crazy! i wanted to cry!! and all i tell her is "I'm fighting with mom! hold on! shes like why do you keep flushing the toilet then! and oh god i hated her!!!! finally i kept sticking my hand in there and moving it around little by little until almost everything went in there! and then i felt so relieved there was only little pieces of the stupid lettuce and tomato and of course the freaking cheesecake but it didn't get flooded the only thing was that the next day my friend comes to me saying my aunt said you threw up and now the toilet doesn't work! Oh god i wanted to die! i was like im so sorry i got into a fight with mom and i got so angry and irritated that it gave me a stomachache and i threw up a little bit im so sorry!! i never went back to that house until this day haha But anyway its been a few weeks since i started recovering from bulimia and so far so good! I'm really trying hard! and i was reading a case of that girl that passed away from bulimia. Well i got a seizure a few weeks ago and almost died! because of the loss of potassium and dehydration my heart stopped beating and thank God i was in the car with my mother at the time! she pulled over and panicked but she did cpr on me that brought me back to life and of course kept me with oxygen until the ambulance came! so basically because of bulimia my heart stopped and prevented the oxygen from getting to my brain but it wasn't for too long because my mother did Cpr and kept me alive and after that i swear i don't care if im fat or skinny but regardless of my weight i complety stopped binging and purging and that has changed my life ive only gained 5 pounds and i feel so much better about myself. now i eat 5 normal meals a day and work out for half an hour just to stay healthy. Bulimia kills you the sooner you open up to the ones you trust the better! because if you keep it as a secret you might end up dead! thank you for giving us a way to express ourselves and I'm glad you also recovered from it =) bye Shaye!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program