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I don't know where to begin...

by Al


This is the first time I've really spoken openly about this, and Shaye, I can't tell you how much it means to have found this site. My bulimia started about 2 years ago, when I started to get into modelling. While I was never told I was overweight, the ideal 'model size' played heavy on my mind. At first it began with the innocent intent to eat healthier and exercise more. Though after months of hard work and not seeing the results, my body image turned negative and I hated what I saw in the mirror. So, I began to purge.

It was inconsistent at first..mostly when I ate foods I considered bad e.g. chocolate. But as I got further into dieting, and further into purging, almost everything I ate came back up. I would sometimes go a whole day without eating. A cycle formed where I would skip breakfast (because if I didn't start eating, I could go longer without eating) followed by a black coffee at lunch. By the end of the day I was absolutely starving. When dinner time came, I would eat twice as much as my family. I kept a bucket in my cupboards so I could purge undetected, and would later empty it when everyone was in bed.

I remember the moment I chose this for myself, and if I could go back in time and change it, I definitely would. Now I'm turning 22, and am at a point in my life where I have had enough. I'm sick of feeling guilty for eating. I'm tired of feeling weak and inadequate. Bulimia has not only ruined my self confidence, but has started to take a toll on my body too. My mind is constantly glazed over with brain fog. You can see the ribs and vertebrae on my back. Though I no longer model, I am still unable to pull myself out of this. I still want to be thin. And as horrifying as it is to admit, I still think thin is beautiful.

I hope sharing my story will help me on the way to recovery.

Thank you...

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program