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I can't stop thinking about eating

by Alexis

im 30 years old and i have been struggling with bulimia for about 10 years now. A friend of mine in college used to do it to control her weight, and i had just gone through a very traumatic breakup and thought that if i lost weight he would notice me and take me back. classic. I moved to key west fl after college to be with my family and take care of our house while they were living in vermont. being alone seems to fuel my desire to binge and purge, but i go on kicks where i throw up at restaurants, friends houses, etc. It is all in an effort to change how i look. Like if i am thin, or look good, then i don't have a problem and everything is right in the world. So since may I have moved back in with my parents (vermont) again another devastating long term relationship ended and once again i feel total despair. i spend most of my time either binging and purging while watching tv, or getting lost in the internet. I don't have a "real" job, and i generally feel lost and hopeless. Ive been reckless with my drinking for about 2 years now, and have even lost a job because of it. i was so hungover that i missed work by 3 hours. I got fired later on that week. So, I am just really lonely, really tired of these obsessive thoughts with food, and i just want someone to help me instead of just telling me to "grow-up." I am the fuck up of my family and i guess everyone is tired of worrying about me, so they have just stopped. I saw a therapist for a little while, but in all honesty i am fricken sick of talking to them too. I am so unhappy and have been mixed up with drugs, alcohol and binge eating. I just want to be the happy and confident person i used to be.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program