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I can't really believe I'm writing this...

I'm sure that I don't have the worst case of bulimia that there's ever been. But to me, it's my whole life and I hate it so much.

I spend all day worrying about the next meal, or what I ate in the last meal, or how I can get to a bathroom without anyone noticing. I don't even enjoy food anymore, it's just this aching craving that I get, and it has to be satisfied. If I don't eat, I can't concentrate on anything, I get angry with everyone and tearful.

I have a whole list of things that I know start episodes off, and the problem is that that list is making it impossible to eat healthily or with anyone else. I can't go to a restaurant, a friend's house, or let my family cook for me anymore, without throwing up afterwards and feeling disgusted with myself.

The other week, for some reason I couldn't make myself sick. I was over the toilet for about an hour, desperately shoving a toothbrush down my throat, but nothing would come up. The feeling I had for days afterwards was awful.

I don't know if anyone will ever read this and feel that they feel the same, but I get this strange sensation when I've had a binge, like I've got insects under my skin or something, and I physically have to make myself ill to feel anything vaguely human.

I've been to see a doctor, but they said I 'wasn't suitable' for therapy, so have suggested I go to a group for being with generic mental health issues. Strangely enough, I'm not comfortable sharing my ridiculous food issues with a room full of 45yr old schizophrenics, when I'm a teenager with bulimia. Even typing that is strange. So anyway, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it now.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program