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I Can't Do This On My Own.

by Jessi

Hi, my name's Jessi. I'm 17 years old and I do NOT want to suffer from bulimia any longer. I am honestly so thankful that I have found this website because I know this is the start of fixing my problem. I was so confused and lost about all of this. Everything. I had so many questions, all of which you have answered on this wonderful website. I love that this is free, supportive, and most of all inspirational. I want to prove to myself that I am in control. I just want to get back to the girl I used to be. I never realized how much everything has changed since I have been bulimic. I have hurt so many of the amazing relationships with my friends and family, I have completely lost touch with who I really am, I have neglected so many of the things I love to do. Most of all, I forget how to live a normal life. You know, it was scary reading over all those pages you had wrote about the signs of bulimia, and the life long effects of it. I never wanted to accept that I was bulimic until I read that, and sadly agreed that I could relate to all the things you wrote about. I have chipmunk cheeks, and I always questioned if it was because of the constant purging. I pretended it wasn't, because I didn't want to accept that I was doing something wrong. I always worry about my health. I have a feeling something is seriously wrong inside my body. I mean, I know that all this HAD to have caused some harm. I'm just scared to tell my doctor and most of all my parents. I tried talking to my mom about it when I first thought I had a problem, and she just pushed it off and sent me to a psychiatrist. She didn't understand that I didn't want professional therapy. I know I can do this on my own with support from her. But unfortunately, talking about bulimia with her only caused fighting, so I pretended like I wasn't anymore. And she believed that I had recovered, miraculously I guess. I understand that she doesn't know enough about bulimia to understand it, but she could've done some research or something. It sure would've convinced me that she cares about me a little more. Which is one of the reason I think I became bulimic. I've never felt good enough for her. I didn't want to accept that I had been suffering from a serious disease for 9 months though. I feel the same guilt every time I purge, the same shame every time I sneak a huge binge, the same worry every time I flush the toilet thinking it might clog and someone will find out. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Because of the New Year, I definitely have the motivation to do this. I know it's going to be really hard to do though. Again, I am just so thankful I have this to lay back onto for a little support when I need it. Through my experiences already I know I am strong, and I want you all to please help me become stronger. I will get through this, I will beat Bulimia!

But I could use a little advice.. I asked my mom if she could get me a physical with my doctor because it has been awhile, and I'd feel better. So she got one scheduled for my family in a few weeks. I'm getting old enough that she doesn't have to come back into the room with the doctor and I anymore, and I really want my doctor to know about my bulimia. I'm expecting her to lecture me on how bad it is for me, considering the doctor technically does know because my mom did get the referral to go to that psychiatrist from my doctor awhile back. But still just incase she doesn't bring it up, how do I go about bringing that up to her? I'd like to have her check on everything to make sure I'm okay, because I desperately don't think I am..

Oh my. Regrets, regrets. But what can I do now, right? Just get better - and I am all for it! :) Thank you for your lovely website!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program