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I can feel it getting worse.

by katie
(england)

This is the first time i have looked online about bulimia, and in all honestly the first thing i typed into google was 'pro bulimia'... i then researched the dangers of bulimia when this site came up.

I dont currently see my bulimia as a problem, which is why i would like to seek advice from people who have been through it.

Almost a year ago i returned from travelling and within a few months i had gained X in weight. Although people said i was too skinny when i first came home and that i was looking a lot healthier.. i couldnt have felt worse. I wanted the weight off. So i joined a gym and started to exercise every other day. I still carried on eating normally.

It wasn't long before i became obsessed with the gym (and i still am) because i am unhappy with my body shape. I dont talk about my body to anyone but my friends will mention that i am skinny, however it doesnt matter what anyone says i feel fat.

I started throwing up after eating certain foods, like sweets and chocolate because i wanted to carry on eating normally, but didnt want to take in the calories.

I have now lost X in weight but my bmi is normal.I feel like i will not be satisfied with my body until my bmi tells me i am underweight.

I work in hospitality so i am always surrounded by food so the last few months i have been throwing up 3 times a day. I would say i eat healthy as i do not throw up meals very often. I eat healthy food, 2 meals a day, and small portions. I will never throw up one of those meals, unless i eat something i feel i shouldnt have.
For example i ate pasta the other day which made me feel bloated and fat so i had to throw it up.
The chefs at work always give us desserts at the end of shifts, and because everyone else is and i enjoy the taste of food i will eat it and then thow up. That is how it has become such a frequent thing for me to do.

But because i still it fairly well with meals, i dont feel like throwing up after sweet or chocolate is a bad thing?

im fed up of feeling guilty about eating foods that i always used to enjoy.
i dont understand if i have anorexia or bulimia or neither.
i eat half the size of the portions i used to.
once a week i dedicate a day to not eating at all.

i just want to understand what is going on.
I dont like throwing up, it makes me flustered and i get slightly swollen cheeks and around my mouth for half an hour after.


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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