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I broke my own heart.

I had a hard childhood. I was made fun of everywhere i went, there was no escaping it. Home, school, and everywhere in-between. I felt, hideous. The popular guys would make fun of me to the popular girls and they would all laugh and i would sit there, with my head down just dying inside. I'm such a nice person once you get to know me. I go out of my way not to hurt anyone, maybe its from being tormented my entire life, idk. "fat" "tons of fun" "cow" "mooooooo" "fatty" Not only was i fat but i have this curly hair that is so unmanageable. I just hate everything about myself. I started making myself throw up when i was in about 8th grade. Id do it every now and then but i wasn't very good at it and i thought it was gross at first. By the time i was a senior in high school i had an entire ritual down. Id eat, wait a few minutes; maybe get halfway through a tv show then id go into the bathroom, turn on the hot and cold water full blast so no one could hear me. Id move the shower curtain all the way to side of the tub opposite the toilet so i wouldn't get any splatter on it, id also throw the mat around the toilet away from the toilet. Id grab my toothbrush and use the end opposite the bristles to put in the back of my throat to trigger the gag reflex. Id throw up, run the toothbrush under the water and repeat that until i couldn't throw up anymore. Id use toilet paper to wipe down the toilet of any puke that got on the sides or floor. Id put everything back where it was, rinse my mouth with water, brush with water, then brush with toothpaste. Id then go drink an entire big glass of water. I am 24 years old now. Ive done this for about 13 years. The only time Ive stopped is when i got pregnant and i didn't do it the entire pregnancy, but as soon as i had him i went right back to the same ritual. I have to do it every time i eat. I cannot stand the feeling of being full. Its gotten to where when i do feel full i automatically start regurgitation. I just recently started feeling a pain in the left side of my chest, accompanied by my left arm being sore. I'm scared for my life. I love my son so much. So much! I don't want to die. The thought of leaving him just makes me so sad, sad isn't even the word. Not only that, i want to love myself. I want to look in the mirror and be happy with what i see. I was made fun of when i was younger but by the time i got into high school everyone was telling my how beautiful i was. I just cant shake that feeling of being so unaccepted. So ugly. I don't feel pretty, even tho everyone tells me i am. I can hear it a million times and ill still hate what i see when i look in the mirror. I want to change that, i want to be healthy and i want to feel normal. Ive told a few close friends that i have this problem but none of them seem to take it seriously. I feel like they think i just want attention when really i just want some help.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program