I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF FOR ALWAYS BINGING
(Tuckerton nj, US)
Hi my name is Shannon. I recently started the ambition to recover from bulimia. It was about a week and a half ago that I was so tired of binging and purging for 5 years because I was totally obsessed with food and I would catch myself going to desperate measures to buy binge food and keep it a secret. I slipped up a few days with purging but I am allowing myself to keep down more meals then usual so I believe I'm on the right path. I still have a problem with binging though even though I don't want to purge anymore! I am X while last week I was X... Of course this is triggering me to binge and purge more because weight was what I was trying to control in the first place when bulimia started! The only way I can get well is if I don't purge but that means gaining weight so I'm terrified. Even when I eat all healthy fruits and veggies all day long in structured eating, I have this huge bloated tummy and I can't hide weight well since I'm short. This is the hardest thing I ever had to do, now I really know how addicted I am to binging and the urge to purge. Wow. Bulimia really had/has me wrapped around its finger. I had a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast... So unhealthy... And I binged yesterday... But you know what I'm not going to throw up. Wanna know why? I want to regain my POWER over this. The power lies within me! I want to be better. I'm fed up with this vicious cycle. I need to be normal again.. If I ever was... Which was so long ago because I even binged as a young kid (I was chubby too)
I need to know who I am outside of this lifestyle. There's more to me.
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