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I am out of control

by Lily
(England )

I have suffered from binge eating disorder for over 2 years now. I was also bulimic for about 9 months.

When I was younger, I had two absolutely amazing friends; E and A. A had been my friend forever; she introduced me to E and within two months, it was like he was my brother. We literally spent every second together. He was the sweetest, kindest, most amazing guy in the world. I was being bullied alot because I was slightly overweight, and he would always defend me and tell me how beautiful I was. It was almost impossible not to be happy and confident around him. One day, he kissed me and it was the most amazing moment.

But then, he went away for a month and we didn't talk a lot. But then he called me, and it was like he was a different person. He told me that all those times he'd called me beautiful, he was lying through his teeth. He told me he never wanted to see me again.

It was like everything I'd ever known had fallen away, and everything he'd ever said to me, all the amazing things he'd made me feel, had suddenly became so insignificant that night was the first time I ever binged. I was so numb with shock, but the pain was growing under my ribs and I could feel the hole in my heart ache with emptiness. I ran upstairs to my bedroom with an entire loaf of bread and literally finished it within 10 minutes. I cried myself to sleep. The next day at school, I was so depressed. I didn't eat, I didn't do anything but cry in the bathroom and do my best not to feel, because if I felt than the fragile walls I had built around myself would fall, and I felt like I would collapse in pain and loneliness.

That day, after I came home, I critiqued every inch of myself in the mirror. I realized how horrible and fat I was. Then I went downstairs and binged and binged and binged. it seemed like food was the only thing that could fill the aching emptiness.

This cycle continued for maybe a month. After that, I began to make myself puke. I never did it more than once or twice a day, but still. I vividly remember the feeling of Eating until I felt I'll, and then feeling he skin stretched tight across my belly and seeing he stretch marks and hating myself. Then I would go and make myself puke, and then cry as I brushed my teeth because I hated what I was doing to myself but I Couldn't help it and I missed E with a vengeance.
Whenever anyone would come over for dinner, I'd be thinking, 'do you know that this girl is going to run to the bathroom 10 seconds after you leave?' even my parents didn't know.

The only person who knew was my friend A, who was so supportive. The bulimia continued for about 9 months, and it made life hell. It turned me into a liar and a loner.

One day, my uncle died. My aunt has always been one of my favorite people in the world. She is so kind and loving and caring, so it broke my heart to see her so crazed with grief the week after her husbands passing. It was her grandsons wedding, and she was trying her best to be strong for him and the whole family. I was filled with admiration for her. She went up to do a Speech that she and her husband were supposed to do together, and even though she cried through it, I was in awe of the fact that she had the strength to actually go up there and do it...

That night, when I purged, it didn't feel good. It just made me feel disgusted with myself for being so weak and depressed when she was able to hang in there despite the awful circumstances. It was a major wake up call for me, and I knew that I had to stop. Within a few weeks, I was completely amazingly bulimia free. That's how much that one person changed me.

For six months life was back to the way it was before bulimia. However, after six months my best friend, a, was forbidden by her father from ever talking to me again. I was heartbroken. I missed her so much. I immediately began binging again to help fill the void, but it was worse than before. I would eat so much that my parents would yell and tell me I was gonna get fat. They would make me pay for all of the food I ate, no matter how much I told them that I couldn't control it. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm eating. I no longer had the support of my friend A, so I felt so alone. I gained over 40 pounds through the binging.

That was 10 months ago and now I am taking small steps to recovery. I have told several people about my eating disorders. I have joined a gym. I still binge over 4 times a week, and I need to stop because the health problems are beginning to show, including high heart rate, fatigue and hypoinsulinemia. I feel like I am ready to recover, but I still feel so out of control and I don't know how to feel ok.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program