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I am an Asian Suffering / haunted by Bulimia

by Y.C Chiou
(Malaysia, Johor)

I have been an intense Bulimic for 10 years now to count. I tried getting help online, but it always failed. I stay in Malaysia (you may not know where is it) , and being Bulimic is an incredibly shameful sickness...

I am afraid of putting on weight, i always compare myself to others. and it is ,also, sadly this reason that i am Bulimic.

i want to be normal and be with my friends,I like to eat & hang out with my friends a lot. I want to enjoy food and don't gain weight like my friend. Sadly , in order to do all these, i became a bulimic.

My desperate measure to be normal , made me not normal. Haunted by Bulimia is crazy... i throw up minimal 2 times daily for the past 10 years..Some times even after 5-6 hours after meal because i want to wait until my friends and family sleep at all occasions before i start the vicious cycle of self-harm.Sadly,this year , in 2011... my teeth had been so severely worn out & damaged,that i am feeling the effects of tooth sensitivity almost daily. I dont dare to consult any dentist here in Malaysia, because deep within i am afraid..i know they will instantly crack my secret of 10 years with their professionalism. They will know i am a bulimic.

I wonder how come bulimia picture i see online, all of you have nice teeth, i wonder why.

I still cant escape from this monster...if i dont eat, i'll be very hungry ( my hearty appetite from these 10 years has expanded my stomache capacity) and i cant sleep, if i eat...i'll be so guilty, i cant sleep either.

i am so tired...

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I am an Asian Suffering / haunted by Bulimia

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May 22, 2011

bulimia in asian women
by: Shaye

Hi there!

I do know Malaysia - I was there last year! In Kuala Lumpur... Getting lost in the massive shopping malls!

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles with bulimia - especially in a culture that is very critical of it... I have had quite a few Asian women comment on my site - and they all say the same thing... that they feel very ashamed and that nobody would understand. I promise you - you are not alone in your country - many, many women suffer from bulimia.

My teeth are only nice now because I spent a lot of money at the dentist! Luckily dentistry in Malaysia is very good - so when you go to the dentist they will be able to help you.

The first step to recover from bulimia is to start a plan of structured eating. This will help you learn how to eat normally again. It's important to make sure that you eat enough to stop your hunger... Never try to 'diet' in recovery... This will only make you want to binge.

You can read more about structured eating here

I hope this helps Y.C :) I know it's been 10 years that you've had bulimia... But, that doesn't mean you can't recover... You can do it - I promise you!

Bye for now,
Shaye

May 23, 2011

You Are Not Alone
by: Happy Lady

Hi Y.C...reading your story is just like reading my own story.i am also a bulimic for 10 years..in past 10 years,i can throwing up more than 10times a day..just like you,i have tooth problem. believe it?i have 9 root canal!!Even dentist also feel suspect with me,he said he never see any patients like me..
Y.C.,do u mind to tell me how old are you?
Actually im now in recovery journey,still far to go..i stil binging and purging,but reduce from 10times a day to now 2/3 times a day...its really tough and difficult for me,but im trying very best to improve...
Just to tell you,you are not alone...if u feel alright,we can always chat and sharing,both of us need a listener and supporter right?

May 24, 2011

thanks
by: Y.C

Hello Shaye,

Thanks for all the positivity induced in me.
your site has certainly helped me a lot, i read around and cant deny the amount of nods , smile & consolation i have absorbed.

I really want to recover but i am very scared.Its like a habit to me...and i cant withstand the weight gain process...i dislike being commented by my friends for my weight gain. Yet i cant tell anyone the truth, for all my friends had already acknowledged me as the very optimistic & jovial(i am not withdrawn like other girls suffering witg ED) girl that loves food, and how can i shatter their heart by letting them into my evil world. i cant imagine them reliving happy parties we've been and them realizing how everytime i will throw up,yet they dont know, how i've wasted food despite my effort to promote UNICEF. How i slap them with too many lies before...how they used to buy me nice food with their heart...to know i am putting on a show...everytime.

if i change my eating habit now, they will probe,& i dont want to lie anymore. I am left in a very contradicting situation.

if i cant face my friends...i cant face my family & relatives....

Shaye,its so so so hard...

Hello Happy Lady,

i'm in Johor, the state in Malaysia that's a bridge away from Singapore.I'm 24yrs this year, and had been a Bulimic since 14yrs because of the speakings of boys comparing me to my best friend.
I used to study in Singapore,which explains the competitiveness of female physical looks.

i used to throw up close to 10 times a day as well.i cant sustain the thought of food in my stomache. i cant resist food because they make me happy,they make my friends happy,they make my family happy as they always believe the bonding factor through meals....i believe too,hence even little snacks can make me drink lots of water & dash to the toilet to throw up.But recently, after i bought myself a HOME i had learnt to cut down to throwing up 2 times daily, but i want to totally cut out this habit.I need to...I know.

love,
yc

May 27, 2011

Tough Journey
by: Happy Lady

Hi,Y.C.,its really a tough journey...im now also cutting down from throwing up 10times daily to 2/3 times daily...but stil unsuccessful to have one day without Binge and Purge...its just like ADDICTION!
I knew very well where is Malaysia...Actually i am a Malaysian too which is from Ipoh,but currently stay at HongKong due to my boy friend working here..i already stay here for 2years.
In HongKong,food much expensive than in Malaysia..i really wasted lots of money and end up in toilet bowl.
My boy friend used to ask me why am i go to toilet so frequent..and now when my boy friend at home with me,i will eat healthy and control; but when i alone,agains i couldnt stop the food addiction.Just like you,even just a snack i will keep drinking lots of water for me easier to throwing up.
In our Asian country,i don think our family and friends can accept if they know about this..
Im getting married very soon,its also another challenge for me.I want to fully recover but really difficult,i really don know how to cut it from 2/3 times a day to 0...

May 29, 2011

a blender filled with emotions
by: YC

Hello Happy Lady,

Congats!, you are so blessed!, getting married soon...i wish you all the best in your recovery.

My parents are currently staying in IPOH for retirement too... like you, after everythin i throw up, i would always think how it seem like i flush all the notes into the toilet bowl.

........

i tried not throwing up for 2 days in a row last week ... but on saturday, i threw up again, becauuse on friday, i went for my friend's birthday party in a club...drank alot, ans ate alot of chips, fried chicken pieces...etc( pub food).

i woke up on Saturday, feeling like a total loser and i cant get my mind off the food that i ate the night before. I start to blame myself for not drinking enough, if i am drunk, then maybe i will need to throw up... things got worse, my guilt for consuming food and keeping them in got a spiral turn when my friend commented on my weight gain...devastated....then i start ti notice how ugky i am.During a saturday wedding lunch, i got even more hurt when my female friends got hitched by male friends..Hence, i decide to just indulge in my food, food taste good...but i do i feel beter? i dont really know.
And even until suday evening, i still threw up my dinner....i kept throwing up blood thesedays which freak me out, but the fear to gain weight keeps me going with this cycle.

I dont know what had came over me, but i think i am incredibly crazy!, how come the blood nvr seem to fear me at all...and from the un accountable episodes of blood puke....they always fail to stop me frm throwing up.

I hate weight gain...i hate it because when i gain weight i lose confidence, i hate it because bulimia that helps me maintain my weight makes me lose even more confidence.

i am trying to be a healthier person, but society dont seem to shower me with the necessary encouragement.

yc

May 30, 2011

Struggling!!
by: Happy Lady

Hi,Y.C.,are you sure you throw up blood?i had experience few times,but im not so sure whether is blood or something else...because i knew everytime after i ate watermelon,i will see something look like a blood from my throwing up,but its watermelon..or if u take spicy food like curry,tomyam,chili...so what have you eaten??

By the way,i still not successful to have one day without binging and purging...i really have strong urge to eat.When im hungry,i always desire to grab some sweet stuff or starch like cake,waffle,roti planta,bread,different type of dessert and tong shui,french fries...In my mind,i want to eat something i like when i hungry,but this are all trigger food,once take the first bite,its difficult to prevent binge and purge.Until now,i can only minimize my trowing up times,but still failed to have 1 day binge and purge free,really feel like i am a failure..

Sometimes my boy friend attend event or over time work and come home late,i am alone at home..and night time is most dangerous time for me,keep eating eating and eating..i try the eating structure,but still cannot overcome the desire of my "favourite"food.

Just like you,actually i don know how to follow the eating structure because i always have lunch and dinner event,sometimes with colleague,sometimes with friends...and we will go for different type of food..buffet,western,seafood,italian,and sometimes Pub food..and most of the times i don even have chance to take order,they will order and all the trigger food place on the table.If i have chance to take order,its very funny if i just order salad for myself,and they will definately put some food on my plate,how to ask myself only see wihtout touch it??once i eat then i will feel very fear of weight gain..then i feel very struggling.......

Many years ago,i always heard people said i have a very beautiful teeth.Big and white,but now...

I feel very happy with this website,at least i know i am not alone,and this website give me power and energy..and i am very happy to meet you here too,your story very close to mine...10years bulimia,your feeling,thought and journey in past 10years...and we are from same country...

Lets continue sharing our story...i think this is a good way in our recovery journey..we can get some support and warm...

May 31, 2011

anyone from singapore ?
by: Anonymous

Ive been a bulimic for about 9 years, 26 this year and dying to quit this habit as well. Anyone same situation as me as well ? Sigh.. hoping to find a buddy Singapore as well.
Do sms me
@ 98157784 or email me @ w.b.l@live.com.sg

Jun 01, 2011

we are on same boat.
by: Happy Lady

Hi,we are all on same boat...knowing you are looking some one from singapore,but Malaysia and Singapore very near ma..we can always sharing our story,we cant tell our family,we cant tell our friends but we need some buddy to understand us...
This is a great website,for us to share our story,our feeling and thought...
i added you in my MSN...you can always email to me too..

Jun 23, 2011

asians?
by: Anonymous

hi all, any asians here? would love to chat in msn....

w.b.l@live.com.sg

Jun 27, 2011

bulimic msn chat
by: Happy lady

Hi Yc, do u use msn?mind to give me your msn address?maybe we can chat a bit in msn?sharing n encourage each other?

hope to hear from you...

Jul 16, 2011

hi girl
by: Anonymous

do add me girl
w.b.l@live.com.sg

Mar 04, 2013

I'm with you! NEW
by: T.

I've been reading all your stories & Its very comforting for me to know that eventhough you guys are out there, i know im not alone. Eventho I dont know you at all, i totally understand and feel so connected to all of you. I pressure myself to have a certain body image to feel wanted & accepted. I have this strong love & hate relationship with food. When i eat, i get numb. Then i start i loose control & i dont know when to stop. I'd feel so guilty, i purge it all out for i fear of getting fat. I have some mortifying experiences to cope with my secrets. I used to have big, strong teeth but now its rotten, 2 of them has been replaced. My skin is dry, my hair is falling off, my lips are chapped, my bones are frail, i have an old lady's stamina. My social life is barely non existent as i isolate myself with this "hobby". I wasted a fortune, time, opportunities for this addiction. I abuse myself physically, mentally, emotionally by making a deal with this demon call Bulimia. I've gotten myself sucked so deep into this dark hole, it seemed impossible to find the beauty in life.

I'm 25 years old Chinese Indonesian whos still battling with this demon for 10 years now. As much as I'd like to keep this shameful secret to myself, my habits cannot hide. I was always very uncomfortable and deny about my ED till my parents suspected im abnormal then they discovered abt this disease that they never thought existed. Thankfully i hv an understanding, supportive, patient, loving parents. They constantly worry about me cause I've had a couple of breakdowns where i ending up having panic attacks. It pains me to make them this distressed. I've always wanted to be a successful career woman, a daughter that they could be proud of. Bulimia has wasted my life & i dont want to have no future!

Old habits die hard, most times i forget & get carried away. I know now that i'm not strong enough to overcome this disease alone. Recently I've decided to seek professional help by seeing a therapist. Since Medan (my hometown) is lacking of such resource, i've to go Singapore for my treatment which will cost me alot of money. There's no quick fix. its going to be a long, difficult journey to recovery but I really need to make it work for the sake of people that i care most & myself.

So girls, i feel you! Especially coming from similar asian background where most clothing sizes are relatively small & being bigger is not considered attractive by most. Its pressuring. It sucks that we're suffering from this disease, but there's always solutions to every problem. My parents always remind me to not give up $ always be positive. Easier said than done, i know im still having difficulties trying to change my mindset but everything takes time. I think one of the best thing to do is to open up & be honest to the people you trust most. That way you get more supports and feel loved inside out. I'm with you, because i am you :)

May 23, 2013

Can we get in touch? NEW
by: A

Hi! Im 25 yo chinese indonesian too,i also suffered from bulimia and anorexia for about 9 years,, and it was teally bad for me, my ED had taken my life so much, i lose griends, and i had spent my times at home just gor doing my bp cycle, everyday, i used to throw up for more than 10 times a day, now im on my recovery process, and it started on jan 31st this year, and i do gained a lot of weight 10 kgs, and im so frightened to know that i am so heavy, it even heavier than before i suffered this desease, if u guys dont mine, can i have ur maybe blackberry pin or phone no just for sharing..
Well im actually from bali but im a married woman just dec last year, and i moved to makassar..
Here my phone no 08174767905
I hope u guys get in touch with me so we can share all our prob and oyr tips in beating bulimia
Xoxo

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

I am an Asian Suffering / haunted by Bulimia

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I am an Asian Suffering / haunted by Bulimia