I am a boy, I have got it all, but bulimia is ruining me.
I am 18 years old and i have been suffering from on and off bulimia for over 2 years. There are very intense phases when I binge and purge several times, and there are less intense phases where I don't binge (just purge or completely forget about this issue).
It all started out 3 years ago when I told myself I wanted to loose 30 kg. I was chubby but not obese. Although very outgoing, I succumbed to social pressure an I'd started purging as a natural response to wanting to lose weight. I would exercise for hours and spent hours a day reading about sports nutrition and diet material.
Eventually I did it, after much much suffering. People were astonished, I got my first kiss, my first girlfriend, had sex, became "popular". All these things hidden behind such a horrible act that made me hate myself to a extent i can't put into words.
It is not only the guilt, it is also the denial of telling yourself this is the last time.
The problem is, like with anything, you get good at making yourself purge, and hence you do it more easily. Now I don t even have to put my finger or tooth brush. I lean over and squeeze my throat muscles and up, I can control exactly which amount to purge. I also got good at minimising bulimia teeth, oesophagus damage, and making it discreet.
I am in university now and at times It takes control over me. I become more self aware of my body and I want to get in better shape. The pressure makes me give into the purge/ binge cycle. I am often triggered by either pressure situations where friends want to dine out; or when I tell myself to have a cheat day after all these days of good dieting; or when I am emotionally crippled (i.e. break up).
My binges usually start up with some vegetable (loads of it) which I call the market and which keeps the stomach acid busy for long enough so that the rest of the food just sits on it and can easily come off. After one of two things happen: I accept that I will binge and I just go all out not even enjoying my food. I Plan to binge just a little but and it turns out to be a massive feast.
I can't admit it to friends or family because this is very shameful for a boy. I don't understand: I have the looks, I am extremely smart, I got a great life, great friends, and despite all that I still fall in this trap.
I want to recover.
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