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How to initially break the bulimia cycle?

by Jenny
(Bracknell, ENGLAND)

I want to be this happy again!

I want to be this happy again!

Hi Shaye,

First of all thank you so much for this website! I haven been desperately searching for help online for years and always find courses or rehab centers for £2000 a day! Thank you so much for offering such great advice for free! I can relate to your story so much. I was anorexic for many years, I was quite happy that way to be honest. When I lost too much weight and left university I lost control of my life and started bingeing and purging 24/7. Like you, I have spent thousands on my habit, I have vomited in public places, stolen food, I've even eaten my own sick as I'd run out of food. Your story has really inspired me, you look so beautiful and healthy now. I want to look like that. I have gained 7kilos recently thanks to my bulimia really flaring up again. I want so much to get better. My problem is I feel so fat and hideous that all the things which bring me joy I don't want to do at the moment because I can't bear to put on anything but trackies and face the world. I know I'm not obese but I feel so hideous and so much bigger than I was.

I just want to know how you initially made it through the first 2 weeks or so. I find that in my head I decide I'm not doing it anymore but it is so ingrained in my physical behavior that every time I seem to end up in the kitchen stuffing my face with a loaf of bread before I even think.....oh no I shouldn't be doing this. I am so exhausted and desperately want my life to change. I'm very sick and have been this for 4 years now. Help!

I am currently working in an office until 11pm with one other guy most nights. The company is very generous and leave out a multitude of cereal, croissants, pastries, biscuits etc etc. I find that having spent the whole morning all alone and isolated from the people I love, I then go into an office where again I'm all alone and I just binge and purge all through my shift. Loneliness is the big thing for me right now. I don't know whether to quit my job or not. I don't want to sit at home all day everyday because I need to be busy and mentally stimulated otherwise I will end up in the toilet all the time but I can't feel this isolated anymore.

I would be so grateful if you could just give me a few words of advice, I am very inspired by you.



Shaye Says

Hi Jenny!

I'm so glad that you stumbled across my site... Even if for the only reason that you know now you're not alone! You're not the only one who has thrown up in public places, 're-eaten' her food, stolen and so on... I did it. And so do hundreds - thousands - of others. And, I recovered - and so can you. I promise you, you can.

I'm not a life coach or anything like that, but I did learn quite a few things during (and since) my recovery. One of them was that if your current situation is making your eating disorder worse, then it needs to be changed - if possible.

I don't think your job is helping things at all... Loneliness is a massive trigger for bulimia. It damages self esteem and isolates you until you end up feeling quite hopeless. My bulimia spiraled out of control when I first moved to New Zealand - as I was so lonely. Food became my comfort, my boredom-filler, my best friend and everything else...

If it is possible, I think a fantastic step forward for you would be finding a new and more inspiring job. It doesn't need to be a dream-job - but something that works normal hours and enables you to socialise and enjoy life more. Even if you need to take a small cut in salary - if it's something you enjoy, you'll end up feeling better, bingeing less and probably saving money! I know that bulimia can be very expensive - and it's amazing how far money goes when you recover!

Making it through the first 2 weeks of recovery requires a lot of willpower and perseverance. You will probably feel like bingeing a lot of the time - and at these moments, come onto my site to remind yourself what you're goals are! Even write down your thoughts and share them with everyone! Do whatever it takes to push through...

Structured eating is essential in the first few months of recovery too... I wrote about it a few newsletters ago - and really suggest you read over it and take action on it :) Click here to read that newsletter.

I also wrote about the different steps involved in a binge/purge cycle and how you can teach yourself to say "NO!" at all the different steps... You can read about this here.

I hope this helps Jenny, please, keep in touch and if you have any other questions - just ask!

Take care and remember to be kind to yourself!


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program