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How to become normal again.

I play college softball, and my coach kept telling me that I was slow all season. When I came back in the summer time I decided I was going to run constantly to try to get into shape and to get faster. I decided that losing weight would help me run faster like I was in high school. So my goal was to lose weight and my brother knew this, well he said I needed to stop eating as much. So when I ate something he would say how are you going to lose weight like that? So I said fine! I guess I just won't eat today then and he said ya right you couldn't not eat for a whole day even if you tried. So my goal was not to eat for a whole day or get close to it, then it became easier to not eat and the pounds started to come off so I decided in my head the only way to lose weight was to not eat. Anyways long story short I started to starve my self dropped about X pounds of fat and gained muscle. I got to the point where everyone looked big and I was disgusted if someone would eat something that was "bad" for you. Anyways we got into season and started to have team meals. Well I couldn't say I wasn't hungry or that I already ate because I was with my team 24/7 so I started eating more and sometimes I would spit up the food. Then I would go into binges, eating when I wasn't hungry or already full and feeling disgusting after wards. Well this year I struggled with it on and off but then when I got heartbroken for the first time I began to emotional eat all the time. I put on about X pounds in a couple weeks and now I am at my largest weight ever. I am at X pounds. When I had my eating disorder I dropped to X at one point. I went to the beach today and took some pictures I am sooooo disgusted with myself. The only way I know how to fix it is heavy restricting. Which will probably lead to the start of the cycle all over again. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be at my smallest but I don't want to be at my largest either I want to be right in between at about X or less. At least under X. I am 5"8 and do not know how to fix this.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program