How my bulimia started...
When I hit puberty, I developed sooner than all the other girls I knew. I was also taller and larger boned, not fat, but bigger overall. I was athletic, a fast runner, great at sports, joined the basketball team and did quite well in all sporting competitions. I was also smart, good at math, and a straight A student. I began tutoring other students at the age of 7! Perfect on the outside, yet troubled on the inside. Fifteen years later, I still am. I am athletic, an excellent student, highly achieved, surpass everyone's expectations, strive to please and impress, and struggle to hide what is going on inside.
At the age of about 14 to 15 I saw a sitcome in which a girl struggled with bulimia. That is where and when I learned bulimia was even possible. I attempted it afew times and failed. Finally, one day I succeeded and it began. Sometimes once a week, sometimes several times a week, sometimes several times a day. It became the way I coped with being lonely, under pressure to get perfect grades in school, and to look physically perfect.
Now, I am 29, and am struggling to stop. I have attempted to stop, probably a good 100 times. I told my sister about my problem two years ago. I told my mother a year ago. I told my boyfriend a year ago. I told my best friend a couple of months ago. I told them hoping it would help. It felt great to take it off my chest; however, deep down I hoped it would be the cure. I guess I wished they would hold me to it, but everyone either forgot or wanted to deny that the problem existed.
Just recently I told my boyfriend who is now my fiance and warned him that I was still struggling and he had a right to make a choice and leave me if he did not want to deal with me. To my surprise, he actually wanted to help and be the one who held me accountable as I wanted.
I have seen therapists for two years. I found the only way that would successfully stop my binge and purge. It was to treat my trigger foods like a drug and not have the foods that triggered my binge and purge except for once a week during a social occasion, and only if there would be no way to binge and purge. It works, keeps me staying healthy, because I eat healthy. My only problem is not binging on the healthy foods sometimes and sticking to this method.
Today I binged and did not purge. I should pat myself on the back right! But there have been so many times when I have held food down even when I wanted to throw up but it did not end my bulimia.
I have lost trust in myself.
I found this website today and saw the picture of the girl over the toilet all bruised and purple. I also read the damages bulimia can do to your body. I have to remind myself of those every day and get disgusted and upset severely such that it takes the place of the pleasures of binging.
Anyways, here is my story.
Today is a good day because I held down my food and I feel like I can keep going without doing this anymore.
I will report back to you next week.
I think it is time I stopped this for good.
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