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Hi Shaye, and hello world

Firstly, I would like to thank you Shaye, for... well, being! I truly believe that God put your videos on my ipad that day for me to see and for me to finally catch a wake up! I have recovered from bulimia on my own, nobody knows of my dark secret past, you are the friend I wish I had, the person I wish I knew. Thanks to the wonders of technology though I feel like I have known you, and you are part of my full recovery. For this I thank you, you are a true inspiration, keep doing what you are doing, it's people like you that have the power to save lives, what a blessing!

I stumbled upon your youtube channel and then this website about 6 months ago, after 10 years of bulimia and a lifetime of distorted body image issues I finally came across someone who actually got through to me! Your fresh, honest, clean and JOYFUL approach to the topic moved me. Every single thing you say is true! We all deserve happiness, we all have an abundance of joy within us waiting to be released, all we need to do is let go of these voices in our heads telling us we are fat, not worthy, ugly, and so on. All we need to do is give recovery a shot, and the benefits FAR outweigh the few extra kilos, I KNOW, because I have and am still living proof that recovery IS possible and it’s the happiest and best thing that has happened to me in a very long time, if not ever, i am free!!

Now, I guess I'll have to explain my story a bit. Since I can remember, I have hated my body, I have always felt fat and unworthy yet looking back at old photographs I finally see I was never fat, I was never even chubby. As an adult, people have always complimented me on my 'naturally' slim composition. What a joke, i'd think, if only they knew how I got that way!
I am 30 and I have been a dinner bulimic for about 10 years. I have no other way to describe it. It all started in my early teens, to lose weight and be stick thin I started skipping dinner and eating very little during the day, I lost many kilos doing so. Then, at age 20 I moved to Italy. Skipping meals was no longer an option, I lived with housemates, family or friends and here food is kinda a big deal! In a few months I went from being 1m72cm’s tall and weighing X kilograms to X kilograms. The food, the glorious food in Italy! I was in a trance, I ate all my meals and stopped in pastries stores on the way to and back from work. I would eat 3 plates of spaghetti at night and still scoff down half a jar of nutella before dinner…. I went from one extreme to the next, and I was miserable! I’ll never forget the fateful night when I casually walked into my grandmothers bathroom after a large dinner and casually stuck my finger down my throat to throw it all up! It came so easy, it was like I was MADE to throw up, it was my answer to everything! I switched to bulimia mode as easily as that, needless to say I lost all the weight I had gained and I was back to my ‘happy’ size extra small self.
So anyway, after many years of yo yo dinner bulimia and binge and purge sessions I finally realized that this.was.not.happiness. This was not me! I have been living in a deceitful body, I have been holding tight to this disgusting habit and for what? A few less kilos? Seeing Shayes videos really got me thinking, this is not right, I want the real me! And I want to discover her as soon as possible!
I realize I am a rare case, but two months ago my bulimia ended as easily as it started, it was as if my brain ‘switched’ back to normal mode. How? Well, a series of events got me thinking that I deserved more. For one thing, my bones break if you just ‘look’ at them bad! In the past two years I fell off a chair and broke my collar bone, I stubbed my foot on a table and broke two fingers, I broke my other foot just walking (I thought it was sprained but turned out it was broken) my teeth are so thin and worn out that they have several chips. I suffered bad breath, I was anaemic, low blood pressure, irregular heart beats, I fainted often, my hair fell out I broke out in rashes etc etc etc .

One evening, two months ago, we had take out sushi, I had ordered my usual, what, 50 pieces. I enjoyed it so much, we had paid it so much, when I walked to the bathroom I stopped, I looked at that toilet, and I said ‘fuck you!’ I was so angry, I felt so ashamed, so stupid, so blind, how could I be so blind??? My boyfriend had paid that meal with love, God has provided me the means to be able to afford such luxuries with love, there was love and happiness all around me, why shouldn’t I deserve a slice of that instead of ten slices of soon to be thrown up cake? I was illuminated, for me, being Christian, it was a revelation, a miracle. I walked out that bathroom with all that sushi still in my tummy with the FATTEST smile on my face. When was the last time I felt this elated, this happy, this free and SO MUCH IN CONTROL! It all started out of control really, I have always had control issues, but now it was controlling me, hell, it was always controlling me, I just didn’t know it! What a fool. What a fool!!
I had all the following words rushing through my brain that evening: my body deserves better, freedom, happiness, purity,health, joy, love, FINALLY!!
I was so blinded, all my misery was because of my bulimia, and I didn’t even know it. I’d blame it on men, jobs, family, life… but never on me, finally, I knew what I had to do to be happy.

Sure, I had and still have side effects, good and bad. I stopped my bulimia weighing X kilos (funny thing is even though I threw up two meals every day my body had stabilized at normal weight, X kilos, for about a year) First week, bad breath gone! Second week, bloating and farts (which persist to this day, two months in). Since then believe it or not I have only put on X kilo. I have no idea why this is so, I am not restricting in any way, that’s the thing, I have had no relapse, I have been eating normally, I always eat above X calories. I do bloat often but I guess my body is still getting used to metabolizing stuff.

Who knows, maybe my body stayed at X regardless of previous attempts to drop back to a skinny X for a year because it decided to take control, to take over a mind that no longer could take control of itself? I don’t know, but I am free, it’s as though bulimia for me has never existed, and I have never felt better! I don’t crave my skinny body back, I actually threw out ALL the clothes that don’t fit me anymore this past weekend, about 3 quarters of my wardrobe GONE. I had kept it all this past year hoping to go back to that weight, but as Shaye so often says in her videos, your body needs to be at its natural healthy weight for it to function at its best. I went shopping for bigger clothes and I was even MORE happy to fit in larger sizes than I was 10 years ago to fit in tiny sizes! And let me tell you something, we ALL deserve to have a perfect healthy functioning body, all you need to do is claim it by treating it right!!


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program