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How many times can I have my last binge? my last purge?

by Danielle

It has now been 3 years this month since I first became builimic...

I stopped for 4 months this year from september to january but then stress and anxiety and life just started getting overwhelming again. I started to binge away my feelings and then purge them becasue I became so fearful that I would gain weight from eating so much...

I wouldnt allow myself to gain weight because I had just lost a decent amount and didn't want people to talk about me being fat... Even though everyone else seemed to think I looked good I still can't agree with them.

In mid January I started binging and purging again about once or twice a week. I broke up with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago and in those 2 weeks have binged and purged many more times.

I cant take it anymore. I'm so sick of hating my body and turning to food to cope with my feelings and thinking that it will make me feel better when I know that food never does. It just leaves me feeling a hundred times worse than I did before. I use the food to fill the feeling of being lonley or angry or mad at my life. I don't even want to wake up in the mornings because I know i'll wake up with high hopes to have a good day and finally beat this eating disorder once and for all...and then when I get home after dinner I end up spending alot of money on food, binging until I cant take the pressure on my stomach anymore and can't even taste the food because im so stuffed and then try to throw it up in the shower as my family isn't home.

I keep lying and telling my family im getting better becasue I'm ashamed. I'm also ashamed because if I don't purge I gain weight and then what if people start to realize im gaining weight.

I see a counselor and I'm going to have an evalutation to start an outpatient program through a hospital. But its so hard to keep dealing with this only to let myself down everynight by going back to binging.

How many times can I have my last binge? my last purge?

I need to stop weighing myself - even once a week isnt good for me. I just want to love myself and know how amazing I am. I know I can recover - I just need to find the inner strength to do it.

I'm worried that i'll recover for a few months like I did in September and then when life gets to be too much i'll just return to the eating. I'm scared for my life and that's not how I should be feeling. I'm 19 years old and at the prime time of my life.

I love working out as well but sometimes I feel like there's no point because I just binge and hurt my body at night.

I'll never give up hope... It's just really hard, and the saddest part is is that I'm the one causing this harm to myself.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program