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how far can i possibly push myself ?

by gb
(brooklyn ny)

Im 20 years old I've been bulimic for 6 years now. I first started when I heard a girl in my school would make her self throw up and thats how she kept her amazing body. So I tried it, I was addicted from the first purge. I started restricting what I ate only allowing myself to eat a cantaloupe and a serving of jello or chocolate pudding a day. I would purge every where school,home, restaurants,family's houses. I went from X to X I thrived off of the reactions I got from every body. The omg's and the wow you look great. After graduating high school i got my first serious boyfriend who was verbally abusive, but he stopped me from purging 5 times a day to maybe once. I was okay for a while it became easier to stop for a couple of weeks at a time because I had his conditional love. After a year and some what months we broke up,in a very nasty messy way that sent me spiraling down. In the mist of the break up my parents got divorced and I was left to pick up the pieces. Suddenly my tricks for brief happiness didn't work any more. I moved away for 4 months and binged and purged every day. I'm X again I swore that if I ever ballooned up to this weight again I would end myself. Every day gets harder and harder to survive the day. Two days ago I had a bad purge, the type that you look at yourself in the mirror hoping that someone would come in and stop you, but you still cant make yourself stop because at this point its just a compulsion. I felt like I was throwing up hot lava my stomach, my throat every thing was on fire. And then I threw up blood, which I do all the time, its the only reason why I'll stop sometimes even if I dont feel like everything is out. Tonight I binged and I went to purge and while there was food coming out it was mostly blood, tonight scared me because I couldn't stop nor did I want to. My throat is still on fire, I've never thrown up this much blood before. I've never felt so empty but still been soo heavy I just feel soo helpless.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program