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How do you ever feel normal again!!!!

by Melanie
(Santa Cruz, California)

I am going to be 40 in February of next year...

I am the mother of 3 kids... 20, 18 and 9.... and for most of their childhoods i have been bulimic... I began with laxative abuse in 1993... then in 1995 began binging and purging... and unless I was going to be able to purge I would restrict until the time came that I could purge...

I've gone up and down in weight.. Its been 16 years... I have always said.. I don't have a problem.. I am normal weight... I am not a skeleton.. which is what i always wanted to be... and have been told by friends and family at times that I was...

Last January I realized that my bulimia was running my life... my work was suffering... my days were filled with the planning of my next binge and purge.. my bank accounts were dry... my emotional state was horrible.. I would cry after every binge as I sat over the toilet to get rid of the food I had just devoured....

My 9 year old daughter was suffering through it all with me... I decided at that time that I had a problem... I went and let my boss know... and went into treatment.. I was there for 2 months... They monitored my food and my weight... and my bathroom breaks... but I went home every night... I felt like maybe it might work.. but then every night I began stopping at that drive thru before heading home... and would binge and purge once a day.. granted it was better than the 6-7 times a day I had been doing... but I felt like maybe I was just destined to be this way my whole life...

I cannot eat food and not feel sick or bloated or gross... I got out of treatment because I had to get back to work.. so I faked it so they would let me out without going AMA....

Since I have been out I am back to my normal bulimic behavior.. How and can you ever have a normal relationship with food.. Why does the body image portion of recovery have to be the very last thing that you ever recover from.. It seems hopeless.. as if you never feel ok about yourself and every time you look in the mirror you see an image staring back at you that repulses you.... how does that feeling ever go away enough to allow yourself the pleasure of eating food and socializing like a normal human being!!!!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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