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How did I get here?!

by Sophia
(Fayetteville, NC)

I've always seen the future as bright, and I was so eager to fulfill all my dreams. My ambition guided me through all obstacles, and nothing would come in between me and my goals. So I wonder, how did I get here? I don't want to move because I know with every step I take, I will feel extra weight. I avoid all reflections reminding me that I'm disgusted, disappointed and unfamiliar with the reflection. I overindulge myself with what I have marked as forbidden, but I can't stop. Food has become an analgesic. All I want to feel is that instant elation and euphoria I feel as I devour everything in sight. But for what goes up, must come down. And that brief relief is followed by a nasty crash. I'm overwhelmed with guilt and anger that I gave into my weaknesses and failed again. I impulsively make my way to the toilet and purge everything I can to "relieve" this mistake I've made. Freeing myself of the density in my stomach. Then, I'll take a couple of laxatives to reverse the rest of the damage I may have missed during my self induced vomiting. Somehow I feel better, but then realization sets in. As I sit crying because I've failed again, I have no control, my impulses have left me in defeat. I tell myself, "tomorrow's a new day, don't give up." I'll just exercise more and restrict my diet for the next few days to compensate. And the cycle continues.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program