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Highschool bulimia

by Bell
(Australia )

I'm still only 15 years old let I've battled with bulimia for three years now. Since I first started school I've had trouble with friends I was always getting bullied and teased but wad such a lovely happy child o didn't let it bother me a whole lot. In kindergarten, just a innocent little five year old I had to start councelling to help with the teasing at school, mostly just silly names but hurtful none the less. Primary school I had nice friends and loved every day of it. When I started year seven I moved from Canberra to the central coast. I didn't know anyone and had moved States which was really hard for me to adjust too. I was in the "popular group" they never invited me to sleepovers or social events and would talk behind my back and tease me all the time. One particular event I remember is one of the girls birthday parties. I wanted to impress them so i bought this blue top with monkeys on it haha (was only 12 remember) they immediately dragged me into the bathroom and made me change my clothes my hair and put make up on me. I cried for days and had never felt so pathetic.

Half way through the year I changed groups to three girls. They were even meaner than the last group. They called me horrible names because my hair was so long, I didn't wear make up, I was chubby and they generally didn't like me. They would always be mean to me and I cried every night and hated school. I became depressed and would always be writing about death and wanting to commit suicide and wanting real friends. I became bestfriends with this girl towards the end of the year and I had never been happier, we were inseperatble. Then at the beginning of year eight we had a massive falling out and hated each other. I had lost my only friend and constantly fighting with her made me feel terrible. All I wanted was friends to like me and be accepted. Once again the depression came back and it was worse than before.

The first time I purged I clearly remember. I had the worst day and had another fight with my bestfriend. My grandparents came over for dinner and we had a huge meal and then cake for desert. I excused myself and started balling my eyes out in the bathroom, I'm not sure why but I went I to the bathroom and threw everything up, first came the ice cream still cold, then cake, then dinner. I felt relieved after I had thrown up, I suddenly had this control over something in my life and it felt amazing.

I began restricting my food, counting calories. I wouldn't eat all day then get home and have dinner which was then thrown up. At school I would have an apple or a cracker occasionally and throw it up in the school bathrooms. I was taking six panacing minimum a day and would always feel light headed and shit. I told my cousin who was in the popular group and she ran off and told all her friends which was so embarrassing and then word spread and even random people in class would ask me "are you bulimic?"

One morning my parents found a reminder in my phone to brush my teeth after I purged. They yelled at me for hours and kept me home from school, then I promised it was the first time and that I would never do it agai. So they just forgot about it. That's when it got the worst.
I would hide vomit in plastic bottles under my bed, plastic bags full of vomit behind my shelfs, lunch and dinner in my drawers and I would be throwing up three times a day at the very least. I had gone from 74.5kg being overweight to being 52kg which was underweight for how tall I was. I was more depressed dealing with this than I had ever been and started self harming myself as punishment for even gaining a few grams.

One day mum walked in on me in my bra and underwear and saw the bad cut on my hips, thighs and wrists and knew I had a problem, she took me to the doctor and she sent me straight to an eating disorder clinic.

I had so many tricks for being weighed and would tell my phycologist everything she wanted to hear! After being there for a year I was now in year nine and continued at the clinic untill I had finally conviced everyone I was better - half way through year nine and was able to leave. At this point I was slightly better but still very bulimic and very troubled. I would hide food in my pockets and even smear it in my hair, now I vomited in the shower to avoid suspicion and still in plastic bags etc. I started looking really sick and I was now in the popular group again. Now they all knew I was bulimic the jokes started. All the time and if it wasn't bulimic jokes it was yelling at me for it and generally treating me like shit, this made my eating disorder worsen.

Towards the end of year nine I started getting better by myself, no phycologist, doctor, parents or friends and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm in year ten now and I'm still bulimic. I only throw up two times a week now maybe more sometimes maybe less, I eat more normally but I'm definitely not better. I struggle with it every day. Hopefully one day I'll be recovered but I think it's going to have to get worse again before it gets better.

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