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hidden in a mess

by laura

I've been bulimic for about 5 years it started at school when I started having problems with girls at school and pretended it wasnt bothering me. The upset would build up and I would comfort with very sweet high fat foods and then purge. I would feel weak and sleepy and it seemed to bring me to a state that I should have been left at after all the troubles I was facing. Then I went through other fazes with drugs and alcohol and had some pretty nasty experiences and finally gave up. I didn't recognise myself any more and I couldn't face people and so I hid in the gym and didn't have anyone to eat with and lost a lot of weight. My sister has had eating issues (anorexia) for years and my mother has her own unusual habits. My dad finally came to my rescue and told me I had lost too much weight at which point I felt like someone was with me and tried really hard to put the weight back on healthily and tried to get myself back on track. My mom of course instead of blaming herself for causing my sisters eating habits (as she had put her on diets at a very young aged) decided I was anorexic and came on all fires blazing. Lieing about contents of dishes, trying to trick me into eating unhealthy foods. Emotionally manipulating people by crying when they chose the light options and feeling free to place the blame on me or my sister in turn. I removed myself from this situation by only eating very large breakfasts and lunch and avoiding eating communal dinners. And as I was still a low but very healthy weight I started to feel like maybe everything was my fault again. I lost my track of healthy recovery and began to binge no purging. Eating to the point of pain and lethargia. My mother of course thought everything was fine and finally left me alone but I was getting very isolated and finding it hard to concentrate and engage in normal activity. I realised I was trapped in having to eat this much and the purging started again and my exercise routine got thrown out the window as I was too tried of trying to argue my healthy lifestyle with my mom as she would throw a fuss at any exercise done by me or my sister. My sisters of course was compulsive but I gave in. About a year ago I left for uni and had a couple bad falls due to alcohol and realised I couldn't trust myself to be alone and needed the support of my dad to keep me on track so I moved back home. I had been out of my moms clutches for a while and my sister was as anal as ever and so her eating habit radar was on high alert. I fell into the trap of being the child who ate 'properly' (over ate) as an example to my sister and the binge and purging became a habit. I got out of my city for a while to clear my head and started getting my self worth and confidence back and started exercises and eating healthier. I made the mistake of inviting my mom to visit me and on seeing that I had lost a bit of weight (toned up - weight wise I was completely equal) she started attacking my choices at meals and accusing me of 'relapsing'. This completely pulled the rug out from under me and its been a vicious cycle since then. I keep trying to get a routine back but it gets interrupted when I am forced to eat a meal I don't need or eat desert/junk foods which set me off or I feel large amounts of pressure. and I get set off on about a three/two day cycle of binge and purge and for a while I was keeping busy all the time for fear of being alone as I would be unable to not binge and purge when I was alone. I failed the year at uni for the incapability for being alone due to hours of bingng and purging and so was unable to study. I left home to go live in a different country with my grandfather but he has alot of the same controlling food issues which trigger my reactions which i had to my mom and so I sometimes fall into the same cycle. but I understand the cycle of upset and pressure link. And when I fall back a step now I keep moving forward and know how great the two weeks feel when I've been able to resist and been able to stay on track. Im starting a diary today and think this will help alot as I am not in a position to tell anyone I have this problem as my sister has just physically recovered from a decade of anorexia. Im praying this will help me and am really looking for the day when the pieces of my life all come back together again.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program