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Here's my story. I hope it helps anyone going through the same.

by AshleyAnn
(Jersey City, NJ, USA)

Hey, My name is Ashley. I'm 20yrs old. My problem started when I was about 13 going to 14. I always wanted to be a beautiful thin model. At that age my body started to suffer many changes due to puberty so I was afraid of my body. I didn't want to become fat. My friends will all make fun of me for how skinny I was and that bullying took me into depression to what lead to a very serious eating disorder. I looked for help when I was about 15 years old. I knew I was sick and I needed professional help so I went into the school psychologist office. I begged the psychologist to not tell anything to my parents so we kept it secret. Things were going pretty well until my parents decided that it was time for a change so I had to move from one country to another with only one parent. My dad and I were never close as he and mom got divorce when I was about 2 years old. The change was drastic for me, I again went into depression. My dad knew something was going on with me but he handled it in the worst way possible. He would threaten me all the time saying how I was going to get punished if I was to end up in the hospital. Even though my problem was obvious, I always kept very denial.

The depression, a new country, no friends, no family became a big issue to the point where I knew I was silently dying, somehow, I wanted to save myself; to stop me from what I was doing but all my problems ended up giving me even more reasons to why I should throw up after each meal. I honestly wanted to die, I guess I was just coward that I wasn’t capable of grabbing a knife and cute my wrist. I started taking sleeping pills so I was always pretty out of zone. Things kept going like that for a long time until in my junior year in high school when my math teacher pulled me aside and he asked if everything was ok at home. He noticed how I was always sleepy, tired, sad, etc. I said I was fine and I got upset for a little bit. I didn’t want help. One day maybe around 2 weeks after he spoke to me, I was doing what I usually did, throwing up, when blood started to come out of mouth and nose. I found myself throwing up pure nasty blood. I got freaked out and I knew at that very moment I didn’t want to die. I went to school the day after and stood after class so I could get my teacher alone. I told him, crying, what was going on. He could not believe what I told him, he never thought it was that serious. He immediately took me into the school psychologist. Again, I didn’t want anyone to know my problem so once again we kept it secret. The psychologist would take me with him 2 per week during my math class. After that, I got better.

Eating disorders or bulimia nervosa is something that never goes away. I wouldn’t lie and say I haven’t done it ever since but at least I’m not obsessed with it as I was before. I’ve been recovering for about 4yrs now and probably have had a meltdown once or twice. My parents still don’t know about it, or at least they have not heard it from my mouth just yet. Getting through this is harder than what anyone thinks. For me is something I have to learn how to live with. Every time I face a problem, or depression I sit down in front of my toilet, crying, feeling confuse because I know at that very moment is what I want to do but I think about myself and how I’ve come a long way without doing it so I get up, I wipe my tears and walk away. I walk away with pride, because I defeated it once again, I know if I do it I’ll jump in the wagon once more and that’s not what I want my life to be like. So if any of you girls still feel regrets after each meal, know that it’s normal. Don’t let a moment of weakness ruin what you fought for so long. I know you want to be thin, and so I but also know that first you need to be healthy. There are many methods to actually lose weight in a healthy way rather than doing the usual. I hope some people can relate to my story and find this helpful.

You’re not alone. Love, Ashley.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program