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Heres my entire story, looking to change

by Rachel
(New Jersey)

I started binge eating because of smoking weed. With my friends, it would be the first thing we would all look to do, or the first thing someone would say when we got into the house. “I’m hungry” or “I just want everything in the kitchen”. I know that’s what triggered my eating disorder. But before that, I know I had always had a thing for sweets and junk food from time to time. Though I don’t get proper energy or nutrition from those foods and hate the idea of processed foods, I craved them randomly. It was never THAT bad though. I managed, and I was always a good weight and very physically fit. In 8th grade, I gained a couple of pounds but nothing crazy, I still had a good body, and a few of the guys started calling me TT, or thunder thighs. The way that made me feel was indescribable. It made me never want to go out in public again, it made me self conscious and nervous around everyone. I worried about what I wore and I felt like I was always in the spotlight, in a bad way. I thought when I walked into a room they were all staring at me and judging my body. Looking back, this was entirely untrue, I was about 5’ 6’’ and X pounds, which is completely average, plus I had an athletic body. The muscles in my legs were what made them look bigger than they were, but I was still comfortable in my skin up until the first person made a joke about my weight. If I could go back to that body that I had then I would in a heartbeat. But at the time I felt hopeless, so I basically starved myself. It started right before the Washington DC trip at the end of 8th grade. I didn’t eat anything besides a little bit of popcorn that we brought down in our room, and diet coke, for the entire 3 days. I realized that to feel good and accomplished, as if I were making positive changes to my body, I wouldn’t eat. That led into the summer, and I made sure I was always active and doing something, and I started playing soccer for my high school team. That helped tremendously, but I also was barely eating, and got accustomed to that. Barely running on anything, half the time I felt like I was going to pass out in the middle of the field during practices or games, but this is what made me feel good, and when I looked thinner I was happier. Eventually, soccer ended, and when I got home from school I got these uncontrollable cravings. I’d made pancakes with syrup as soon as I walked in the door, and make disgusting foods that made me feel full and happy. For a while I did this, and without even realizing it, I had gained all of the weight back that I had lost during the season, which was about X pounds. I felt worse about myself, and around then is when I started casually smoking with my friends. I didn’t know about the “munchies” until I was at one of my friends houses and she was like “feel that rumbling in your stomach, do you have the munchies? I do, let’s eat something!” From then on I was hooked. We would smoke and eat tremendous amounts of food, and in the morning I’d get up feeling heavy and disgusting. Eventually I could feel it, and I knew what I was doing to myself, so sometime around sophomore year I started to puke everything up after splurging while I was high, and I wouldn’t feel so weighed down in the morning. Long story short, it lasted up until junior year until I realized that smoking was the reason for my uncontrollable eating patterns, and I vowed to stop in order to get my life and my weight back on track. That’s when I realized that my eating habits that I formed didn’t just disappear like I thought they would, but I kept with me and seeped into my every day patterns of eating and my mentality when eating. This leads me to where I am now, dieting, and suddenly getting uncontrollable cravings, eating like it’s the last time I ever will, dieting again, only to falter. This is a repetitive pattern, and I beat myself up over it each and every time. I feel powerless around bad foods and sometimes when I’m with a bunch of people where I know I will be for the rest of the night with junk food everywhere, I make a conscious decision that tonight, I will purge when I go home so I can partake in eating like my other friends do. It’s sad but true, and I need to get out of this habit because It’s killing me. My mood, my attitude, my self esteem, my teeth, my hair, my beautiful voice, and the pretty face I once had. Its repulsive and disgusting, why can’t it just go back to the way it used to be? Im carrying so much baggage, and I need to let it go, but with the past I have, how can I do this? Its been a pattern for about the past 4 years because now I am a senior in high school going off to college soon and that is the last thing I want to take to college with me. I need to clear myself of these horrible ways and my mentality so I can get back on track. Not just a momentary “get back on track”, but I mean it for good. I know I can, its all in my mind, so how can I change that? I also am thinking about converting to eating mostly raw which I would love to do. It keeps me full and pushes away my cravings and bad thoughts about foods. It helps my decisions because I know that eating a certain food (when its raw) won’t cause me to over eat, and even if I do, you cant get fat or make yourself sick on fruits and vegetables. What can I do?

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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The Bulimia Recovery Program