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Here it goes again

It's hard to explain. I started with cutting at 14, then that magically was cured but only ended up switching to anorexia. After about 3 years of anorexia, I was threatened to be thrown out of college because I wasn't eating or taking care of myself. Scared that I would actually have to spend my summer in a rehab center, I decided to eat anything and everything from the point of the visit to the center to the doctors appointment I had to see if I was actually "bad enough" to stay at rehab. Because I had eaten just about everything (since I was so incredibly scared), I gained about X lbs between the two points. I scared myself. Surprisingly, I was at a healthy weight - but it was about double what I had weighed when I was anorexic. I didn't like the idea, so I started purging.

That only lead into more problems. I was kicked off the floor I was living on at college because I wasn't making healthy choices and that was the point of living on the specific floor. My parents don't know that, though. At least, I don't think they know.

instead of writing my whole life story, I'll just leave it at this. Ever since I graduated college about a month ago (after about a year or two of developing a healthy life style), this whole eating disorder has been haunting me. I have binged and purged about 3 or 4 times a week which is definitely way more than I should. The worse thing about it? I think it's really just due to boredom. My brain just turns off and decides that it would rather binge and purge than to just exercise 30 minutes a day.

I know it's not healthy. I would give anything to take back what I did that summer of just eating anything and actually go to the rehab place. I would think I would actually know how to eat normally/healthy, and not be so afraid of food.

My life is full of irony. I went to college to become a baker but it terrifies me to even eat a thing that I make.

I don't want to go to therapy.

I just want it magically fixed.

There is such thing as magic, right?

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program