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helpless with bulimia

by Kate

I'm not sure why I'm writing on this, but I feel like I can't talk to anyone else. I'm 21 and in college. On the exterior I have a pretty good life and lots of friends.

Last year, my eating disorder got pretty obvious and a lot of people began catching on to my behaviors. My friends were distancing themselves from me and I was in a worse place than ever. I decided to drop out and check into an inpatient hospital. Telling my family was one of the hardest things I ever did. My parents would do anything for me and I just felt like I was letting them down. I was in treatment for 3 months and released just in time to go back to school. Coming back was almost as hard as leaving. The people who didn't know where I went wanted answers, and the few people who did know were treating me like a fragile burden. It took a lot for me to find my place again and have people see me as "me" again, instead of someone with an eating disorder. A lot of time has passed, and it seems like nobody even remembers what happened. If anything, people compliment me and say how much happier and healthier I am. The tough part is, I have been in a serious relapse for about 6 months. I've been hiding it more than ever because I don't want to let everyone down who thinks I've gotten better. My weight is higher than it was before which keeps anyone from questioning me. I can't imagine telling my mom that I'm back in this place. I know everyone says, "your family would want you to ask for help!" but I know how stressful it was the 1st time around. I really can't imagine going through it again, and especially putting that financial burden on them for a second time in 2 years.

Another thing holding me back is that I weigh a lot more than when I 1st went inpatient. I feel disgusting and embarrassed wanting to go to treatment at this weight.

I don't know what to do. I'm miserable with this eating disorder, but I don't see telling people again as an option. Just going to therapy/psychiatrist is unsuccessful. I just want to be normal. I feel completely helpless.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program