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Help please. Relapsing

by A

My story so far. Please help if you can. Any links, ideas, or suggestions would be so helpful.

Last year, I was under a lot of stress. I was a senior in high school, and the anxiety of school work, college applications, varsity soccer, and growing self-hate drove me to bulimia. I felt like I had too many unrealistic expectations on me (e.g. my parents think I'm smarter than I am, I'm supposed to be the funny one in my friend group, I have to be a strong senior member of my soccer team, I lost so much weight recently...).
That year, I went through a few "good" weeks (only throwing up once a week, or not at all), but those were overshadowed by my terrible weeks. I threw up multiple times a day and would eat so little that I began to get light headed and see black spots. I exercised everyday, and when I didn't I felt terrible about myself. I would punish myself mentally, and further restrict my diet.
Eventually (thankfully), my parents caught me and I started on my journey to recovery. Not only was I getting better, but soccer season had ended (goodbye stress!) and I was accepted into my dream school. I started taking medicine for anxiety and began losing weight the right way. I had a gym group, and we all motivated each other to train healthy, eat healthy, and live healthy. Things were looking up for me.
Or they were, until about a month ago. I left my hometown to move up to college--obviously a stressful situation, but I was more excited than anything else. I planned to keep my training plan going and I felt confident I could. I didn't last one day after I left. I began to binge again.
It wasn't too bad at first (I was only binging on fruits and vegetables), but soon I was back to where I started--shoveling all kinds of crap into my body. I didn't purge again for a really long time, but these past two weeks has started my process all over.

I gained X pounds since I had left my town, so throwing up seemed like the only option.

I've moved into my dorm and have been living here for a while, and things have gotten so much worse. I've lost all hope that I'll ever get better. Everyday after a binge, I'll tell myself, "You can do this! It won't be hard to get back to normal! You'll get better!" The next night, I'm eating 3 bowls of fatty cereal, 2 bagels with gobs of cream cheese and maple syrup, pizza, ice cream, and 3 brownies, and I vomit as much as I can (which isn't a lot because my gag reflex is now tolerant). I feel like there is no one I can talk to--the student health center won't see me until next week, I can't tell my parents or they'll worry, and I sure as hell can't tell any of my new classmates.

I throw up in the communal bathroom, constantly being afraid someone will catch me. I steal my roommates food, adding more guilt to my situation. I eat as much as my stomach can take, and then more--causing me physical pain (and I keep eating). I even dug in my trash to get the nutella I threw out when I told myself I would stop.

If anyone can help me, please. I'm lost and I'm scared I won't ever recover. My main fear is I'll ruin my body forever.

and to make everything worse: I'm visiting my boyfriend in a month, and I'm the fat version of the girl he saw last.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program