Help please. Relapsing
My story so far. Please help if you can. Any links, ideas, or suggestions would be so helpful.
Last year, I was under a lot of stress. I was a senior in high school, and the anxiety of school work, college applications, varsity soccer, and growing self-hate drove me to bulimia. I felt like I had too many unrealistic expectations on me (e.g. my parents think I'm smarter than I am, I'm supposed to be the funny one in my friend group, I have to be a strong senior member of my soccer team, I lost so much weight recently...).
That year, I went through a few "good" weeks (only throwing up once a week, or not at all), but those were overshadowed by my terrible weeks. I threw up multiple times a day and would eat so little that I began to get light headed and see black spots. I exercised everyday, and when I didn't I felt terrible about myself. I would punish myself mentally, and further restrict my diet.
Eventually (thankfully), my parents caught me and I started on my journey to recovery. Not only was I getting better, but soccer season had ended (goodbye stress!) and I was accepted into my dream school. I started taking medicine for anxiety and began losing weight the right way. I had a gym group, and we all motivated each other to train healthy, eat healthy, and live healthy. Things were looking up for me.
Or they were, until about a month ago. I left my hometown to move up to college--obviously a stressful situation, but I was more excited than anything else. I planned to keep my training plan going and I felt confident I could. I didn't last one day after I left. I began to binge again.
It wasn't too bad at first (I was only binging on fruits and vegetables), but soon I was back to where I started--shoveling all kinds of crap into my body. I didn't purge again for a really long time, but these past two weeks has started my process all over.
I gained X pounds since I had left my town, so throwing up seemed like the only option.
I've moved into my dorm and have been living here for a while, and things have gotten so much worse. I've lost all hope that I'll ever get better. Everyday after a binge, I'll tell myself, "You can do this! It won't be hard to get back to normal! You'll get better!" The next night, I'm eating 3 bowls of fatty cereal, 2 bagels with gobs of cream cheese and maple syrup, pizza, ice cream, and 3 brownies, and I vomit as much as I can (which isn't a lot because my gag reflex is now tolerant). I feel like there is no one I can talk to--the student health center won't see me until next week, I can't tell my parents or they'll worry, and I sure as hell can't tell any of my new classmates.
I throw up in the communal bathroom, constantly being afraid someone will catch me. I steal my roommates food, adding more guilt to my situation. I eat as much as my stomach can take, and then more--causing me physical pain (and I keep eating). I even dug in my trash to get the nutella I threw out when I told myself I would stop.
If anyone can help me, please. I'm lost and I'm scared I won't ever recover. My main fear is I'll ruin my body forever.
and to make everything worse: I'm visiting my boyfriend in a month, and I'm the fat version of the girl he saw last.
Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Bulimia Stories.