I almost feel like being born as a female is a curse. The way were expected to look and what is considered beautiful puts so much pressure on every girl exposed to this illusion. I've always wanted to lose weight, for as long as I can remember. Until recently I started harming myself. I am 17 years old, ill be 18 I a few weeks and I'm bulimic. In grade school I remember being very self conscious about my weight. I hated myself, but I never thought I could really do anything about it. I would always come home after school and make cookies and eat them all myself. I would eat so much. Not until recently I started binging and then purging. For the first few months it seemed to work great because I could eat all I wanted and then just purge it out. I don't have a very displinced personality, I never have, so I knew starving myself would never work. Today, I realized I have a serious problem. I just got myself into a very messy situation. I ate a normal lunch today and my body automatically threw up. I don't want my body to control me, I want to control my body. I always feel guilty after eating and want to be skinny so bad. I'm so scared that recovery will take that away from me. I know I need to be healthy. I want to be a healthy thin. No one knows about my bulimia but I'm afraid it's getting too serious. I'm scared I won't get better. I'm scared that I won't have the will to recover. I know I need to, I just don't want my fmily to know because I am so ashamed. I thought bulimia would help me lose weight and it hasn't and it's been 4 months. I know I should stop now before it gets to be too long. I tell myself I won't purge everyday but I do anyways.
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