Hello everyone.....I'm REALLY hoping this will help :)
Well...let me start by saying this is probably the most difficult thing for me to do. I'm glad I'm not alone and maybe this will help me in the long run :)
I'm not used to telling my life story and this is a first time deal and I hope I never have to do it again...I'm hoping this is the only therapy I'll need.
I have been overweight for a good chunk of my life and my mother started putting me on diets at the age of 8 because I would come home upset when kids at school would make fun of me. So we would try diets with absolutely no results (of course being 8 years old you can't really stop yourself from eating) I remember sometimes after eating a bunch of really good "not diet" food, I would be upset so I would go into the bathroom then restart my diet. At 8, I didn't know it was wrong so every time I would fail when I was supposed to be on a diet I would do this. There were times where I was normal and not on a diet and I was semi happy I guess you could say...I was in 4th grade and 120lbs. This was also the year that my dad had his first really bad stroke so our family was going through a lot trying to get everything figured out. And before this, I don't remember what year it was, my mom was battling breast cancer. Through all of this I was still being tormented by weight but I was sick of the weight and I was also sick of caring about it so from then till about the end of my 5th grade year, I was a normal overweight child.
This is when my mom goes to the doctor and he tells her that her cancer has returned and it is in her bones.
We were living at a farm at the time so we had to move into town so our family can help us with everything that needs to be done while my mom lives in the hospital. Moving into town was kind of a mood lifter for me because I was close to my friends. But I couldn't really enjoy it because we had just gotten the news that my mom only had 2 to 6 months to live because now it was in her liver too. I kind of blocked most of this out because I didn't know how to process this but it's kind of kicking me in the butt now because I don't feel like I was the daughter I should have been and I wonder what she is thinking of me now. Anyway, we get that news and we deal with it the best that we can and enjoy our time left together until the night my oldest brother commits suicide for reasons unknown to me. Then 3 weeks later my mom passes. I'm kind of dead inside after this and eventually life continues. And another crazy turn of events..3 weeks after that my dad has another massive stroke and now he's gone as well...which was probably best. He couldn't take care of us without mom and he was so alone when she left.
My older brother and I were moved to different homes right across the street from each other. I live with my cousin and he lived with my aunt (he graduated and moved into his own place now)
Life with my cousin was big change. She has 3 kids of her own already so I felt kind of unloved which lead me to the years of rebellion. Shes not my mother, why should I listen to her etc...
Anyway, she was single and jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend. It's all good now though, shes married now and happy. I however was not. I was still the chunk of the family and people made sure I remembered that. I guess looking back on it I always kind of had this disorder but it didn't really spring up till my sophomore year of high school when I went on a diet that was actually working but I got frustrated when I wasn't losing weight fast enough, so I was gonna help myself out a little bit and it sprang out of control from there.
I am now graduated from high school so I have been almost full on bulimic for 4 years now I guess you could say. I tried quitting on my own (and I'm still determined to do it that way) and i was in the process when my cousin came to me in November and talked to me about it. I was so mortified and upset that she knew I just wanted to die. I was supposed to be cured by the time she found out but as you well guess, it didn't happen that way. We were supposed to keep it between us but she told her husband and I was upset about that so I continued out of spite when I found out (it was the weight I was gaining too.)
Now I'm still in the quitting process but i can't get passed the guilt that I feel for all the money I have wasted (and unfortunately am continuing to waste despite my best efforts). How do I get passed that?
Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to binge eating disorders.